Unimproving Motherhood

Filling out forms for "who will make your medical decisions IF...." or "what will happen to your kids WHEN....." is the most unnerving process ever. I battle my own thoughts and feelings. I have a full six months or so to work this all out...on the other hand....I only have six months. "Don't worry Sweepea it'll be okay don't stress" versus "don't take this so lightly...you need to be honest with yourself and your family this is a big deal" has left me with a mixture of emotions I can't quite sort out. I sugar coat and joke with everyone so I am not a puddle of depression and fear,....but then have to realistic with everyone which pops my happy little bubble and leaves me in a crater ten feet deep feeling helpless and angry. "It'll be fine, it's a simple procedure,.....in and out in one day..." and "Holy shit it's a major nerve they're going to be playing with" .....I'm not exactly sure about all of it. My loving family has gotten my mind wondering over to those ever-so-lovely "what-if's" .....If something bad were to me....how will my children remember me? Will my three-year-old remember me at all? What kind of memories would come to their mind if someday they were asked "What was your mom like?" Like every other mother on this planet I'm afraid for the example I have set. Kennedy is a frustrating subject. Because of the ADHD I spend half of my time yelling at her and trying to keep her focused on tasks, an the other half crying because all I do is yell.....it's more of a complex situation, but I don't want her memories of her mother to be that "Mom was a very angry woman. She did alot of yelling" I know they KNOW I love them,....but do they KNOW? Since March of this year,...I haven't really been a mom..(as painful as it is to admit, it's true.) On my good days, I am on top of things. I make their snacks and meals, clean up their messes, spend time with them, help with homework, etc....on my bad days....I'm worthless. I repeat phrases like "Give mommy just a minute baby my head hurts" or "Why don't you just go play with your sister?" then frustration...then yelling. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP FIGHTING FOR TWO MINUTES??" "LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE!!" "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU??" "DO THIS!" "STOP THAT!!" ....then guilt sets in and mommy has an emotional break down. The worst part is catching one of them doing something in a room and asking "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" and having them look at me confused and say "Mommy you just told me to put my clothes away. That's what I'm doing"...."I did?" "Yeah mommy"....then more guilt, embarrassment and fear. Memory lapses, pain, exhaustion.....everyday it's something. Very few mothers will admit when they feel inadequate. How can I possibly deny it? I feel as though everyone else is being mommy for me. I have days where I feel horrible simply for the fact that I can't take them out of town for the day. I can't take them for a day trip to the coast, or to the mountains. It all grips me like a vice until my chest hurts and I can't breathe. Makes me wonder how some mom's can leave their kids with everyone, go out every night, get drunk, party blah blah blah when I am WITH my children every day and STILL feel so horrible for not really "being here".....I want me back......