I was asked to become passionate about something yesterday. "Anything" I was told. "Write a novel, take more photos, whatever!" At a very weak moment in my life, when all hell seems to be spiraling slowly out of my control, and I've yet to hit the eye of the storm, I've been asked to find passion.
So here is some passion for all of you....
My daughter is about to turn ten. She has the same mental illness as her mother, and everyday it shows a little more. I am struggling to maintain a connection with her, but either one or the other of us severs this link on any given day, and fire rains from the skies in an apocalyptic type storm that lasts for days, sometimes weeks of "Oh my god what are you staring at, and what do you want from me???" She's failing school, which makes me feel like a bigger failure as a mother because I was never a bad student until I got into middle school and made the personal choice to become one during a series of very poor life events, and I fear she is doing the same. She's becoming hormonal, and pre-teeney and all around, some days, unbearable. How do you say out loud without being crippled by guilt, "Hey, there are just some days when I can't stand my own kid!" (Even though, realistically you are fully aware that every parent has to have either gone through this or will go through this at some point during their kids' lives.)
My other child has severe hyperactivity and JIA. You might be inclined to think "Oh, poor kid", but no. The girl's ADHD causes her pain tolerance to be off the charts, so she's constantly on the go, and her mouth never stops. Sometimes, I just want to stick her in an empty room with bare walls so she can talk to her own echo for a few hours and make herself insane. And then more guilt for having such thoughts....
My seizures are worse now then they were due to recent flare-ups of my own RA, poly cystic ovaries, and lack of sleep because of my extremely high levels of anxiety. I have been in a permanent state of depression for sometime now that I am only able to suppress for short periods at a time when some outside force sucks me into temporary mania. Or when I am able to (unhealthily) "piggyback" myself onto the good feelings of others and ride those until they come crashing back down again taking me with them. All sending me spiraling into a gaping pit of epilepsy.
My relationships with others are suffering because of all of this. My children have "no home training" (or so it would appear) my epilepsy and depression and pain make me anti-social, and me being so tuned-in to others around me make me a generalized sad-sack.
Where is my passion? My passion is in the rage I feel for having no money. The frustration I feel for my kids. The knot in my stomach for every seizure I have. The feeling of wanting to choke someone out everytime they ask me a stupid fucking question like, "Where's your passion?"
I want for my family, for my friends. Yes I could combat all of this and take on the fucking world.....but I'm no Lance Armstrong, and I don't "do" long-term as far as hobbies are concerned. Yes I have been a writer, a photographer, a lyricist, a vocalist, a house-mom, a culinary artist, and many others!! Because I have had many interests over my 25 years of life. When my fucking "passion" strikes,....I'll take it for what it is.....but when it's gone,.....appreciate it for what it was,...what it always has been. Fleeting. I'll never be anything more than flighty, flaky, and unwavering. Someday I'll find something else to be fucking "PASSIONATE" about.....but know this going in.....IT WONT FUCKING LAST!!
Until then.....you shouldn't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to....
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Watching the aging process...
If I never do anything promising in my entire life it would be that I will not die in front of a T.V. or computer screen. I refuse to do so. I hope that I go in some sort of exciting way. Carefree and screaming in joy, adrenaline and ecstasy. I don't want people to remember me in such a way that I was boring and lifeless. I feel as though I may be experiencing my mid-life crisis a little early. Every few years,...or maybe it's months,...I go through a period where I realize I hate myself, I hate my life...and I want to do an entire over-haul and change myself. The problem being, that ever since these feelings started (maybe around age fourteen or so) I have yet to change a whole hell of a lot about myself aside from my sense of style which lately consists of t-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes. Pretty lame for a twenty-five-year-old with a halfway decent figure,...(I'd like to think so considering I've had two kids!) And I'm not saying this out of vanity, I'm saying this, because I can look in the mirror, and unlike women my age who are trying desperately to recapture their slipping youth, or the one's who have long since given up and don't wear make-up at all,....I try to adjust or re-adjust for my age. My eyes are changing now. I am beginning to show the signs of life. The lines in the corners of my eyes that show that I've spent many nights up late laughing those low belly laughs with friends, so loud and long that we'd forgotten why we were laughing to begin with. The crease between my brows that remains even when I don't furrow my brows that my father warned me about so much, that shows how much time I spent worrying. (That by the way runs much deeper then my laugh lines.) Worrying about grades at first, friends and boys,....then later about kids and money, rent and men. The dark circles around my eyes bring back memories of sleepless nights up with my youngest child when she just refused to sleep, and the days I still battle when I just...want....sleep! I look at my body, and I don't see a seventeen year old body any longer, and I'm proud of that fact, because I didn't like my seventeen year old body any how. I have stretchmarks, and my belly sags, my boobs aren't where they're suppose to be, and my thighs are twice the size I remember them being, but I'm strangely okay with that. I've pipe dreamed with friends about plastic surgeries, but realistically,...I could think of a million other things I could do with a few grand before cutting up the parts of my body I've become accustomed to over the years. Twenty five really isn't that old, but it isn't seventeen either, and it isn't twenty. My mind works in different ways than it once did. I remember looking in the mirror at fourteen and thinking "Who are you?" It's all part of having a mental disorder. I got used to the young girl looking back at me. She matured a little, and the pudge fell off, but now there's this....well....WOMAN,....staring back at me and I find myself once again with a new body, and a new face looking in the mirror asking her, "Who the hell are you?" And sometimes she smiles, or makes a stupid face while she's putting on her make up or doing her hair and I see freckles popping through, and there's a glimpse of the kid in there, but for the most part, the woman has covered her up pretty well. She's aged her, smudged her, life has taken it's toll on her. So I find myself,....wondering where life will take me from here. Ten years, twenty,....or if I'll make it that far. And how little I've accomplished in the seven years of my adult life. (Nine if you consider the fact I've been a mother since I was sixteen) I've had aspirations, dreams, motivations,....and yet to get up and do it. When will I feel the want? The drive? When will enough be enough? Maybe tomorrow.....
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Political, Religious and Other..Views By Kiera. The End.
Since a vast majority of my friends are persistent on posting their opinions,...no...not just opinions... But most of all FORCING their views on so-called loved ones, and demanding that others see their point of view otherwise they are "just ignorant"... I want to share some of mine. Just to make my standpoint clear so there is no confusion, and no more bitterness. Political, religious, etc... Note that my views are subject to change as I grow and mature... I AM twenty five years old, but I am not naive. Nor am I easily swayed, nor am I stupid. May I add- this is to wean out those who are on my "friends list" for the intended purpose of catching up with my life, socially interacting with me etc,... and those who are only online to get their "troll fix". And in case anyone isn't aware- correcting others, being morally, politically or religiously offended... It is actually an addiction. You begin going out looking for groups who oppose the things you believe in for the purpose of being outraged. One source found here. Anyone who attacks me for my beliefs- will be I un-friending. And THAT is the purpose of this.
1. Guns. This country is in an uproar over gun laws. If not guns, it would be other weapons. We have had weapons since man first started walking the earth. In the beginning, it was for hunting and protection against wild animals. Now...we have become the wild animal. And we need protection from those of us that can't control our primal instinct. And yes, there are those who are born with the inability to control it. I would feel safer myself in a home with a gun. I myself, know how to clean, load and shoot a firearm. I am proud of this fact. I am also proud of the fact that I am a huge promoter of peace. I would never resort to using a weapon unless my life was threatened, or the world came to a state that it was required to hunt for food. Period.
2. Religion. "Religion is like a penis. It's nice to have one, its good to be proud of it. Please don't take it out in public and waive it around and please don't shove it down my throat." Blatantly said. Most people I know are aware of the fact now that I, myself, am not a Christian. I do NOT, however, put people down who are. Nor do I mock the Christian faith. Do I question it? Yes. Do I have debates with intelligent Christian people? Yes. I would never, never, NEVER disrespect someone else's religion. I am always respectful to those who practice differently than I do, and to those who don't practice faith at all. When led in prayer before dinner, I respectfully bow my head. During the pledge of allegiance I RECITE. I am, however, tired of Jesus posts of Facebook. Clicking "like" on a post will not save your soul!! Likewise, ignoring it will not condemn you to hell. Saying "Praying for so-and-so" on your status does not count as a prayer. What this literally translates to is; "Look what a good Christian I am! I'm praying!" IF YOU WANT TO PRAY FOR SOMEONE GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY! A candle light vigil is enduring the frigid air on your face and embracing loved ones while mourning a loss within a group of fellow mourners. Not sharing a photo.
3. Abortion- leaving this one be simply for the fact that my opinion varies depending on the situation. There are situations when women are simply being selfish, and situations when it simply calls for it-period.
4. Gay marriage- love knows no gender. Maybe marriage is a biblical term. I agree. Call it something else. Call it a unity. But let gays have it. Why is there still a fight over this? Oh yes... People are afraid of things that scare them and the amount of homophobes in the world is steadily growing. Not every gay man who approaches you, gentlemen, is hitting on you! You aren't all that awesome and every man (including gay men) have a "type" they are attracted to. You may not be it, get over yourself. Women don't seem to be AS threatened (in my experience) but the same applies ladies! As a bisexual female, I can say that if I am bs'ing with you or come off as flirty- I'm probably just having fun, and not actually hitting on you. If I think you're attractive, I'll let you know. Acknowledging an attractive person, however and saying "I want you NOW" are also not the same. Other than that- let same sex couples love each other. It's love. Who cares?
5. Generalized politics- shut up! Not every single person on Facebook NEEDS to hear your opinion on the president, the impending elections, props, or whatever. Especially more than once! And even if you spam your wall with feeds, chances are, it won't change the opinions of others. The only reason you're doing it at that point is to fire somebody up. It's immature, it's stupid, and no one is impressed that you borrowed a quote from a senator to make yourself sound intelligent. What's worse is you either misspelled it or made yourself look really bad and misunderstood it.
6. "Trash talking"- "My day would've been great if SOMEBODY wouldn't have messed it up by calling. SHE knows who SHE is" Okay, for one- if you are going to follow that up with "Call me" when someone asks "what's wrong?" Don't post it on Facebook because you were looking for attention and sympathy, otherwise....say who you had a problem with. If you don't- SHE either is on your friend's list and you're too chicken to call her out,...or someone she knows is. You are talking crap without talking crap. You are a coward, and shouldn't be spreading your drama disease online anyway. I understand the whole "It's my facebook I'll post what I want" But I can guarantee that girl you called to talk to about it- is probably sick of it too regardless of how much she pretends with her, "Nu uh girl I would've whooped her ass!" ...No you wouldn't have....you don't even have the guts to tell your friend on the other line to shut up already because we are all sick of hearing it...unless of course she is just as into the dramatic fix as the other one in which case,...well they should both go back to High School.
7. "Click to send $1 for this baby with cancer." - By the time that photo has been shared 100 times, it's done. And I'm telling you now, Mark Zuckerburg is NOT paying for all these dying kids. Clicking "Like" or "Share" is not going to save children with cancer, nor would it stop Kony, or Save Katrina Victims, or Keep your Grandma from dying, or help you meet your true love. Now what sharing photos CAN do? It CAN get you a few laughs, or share a nice sentimental or motivational quote. Or see a news video. But as for the rest? It's just spam people.
Okay,....I'm getting off my soapbox now. I'm normally not one to engage like this, but the negativity is grinding at me, and I don't have the option to un-friend because a lot of this stuff is coming from people that I love. But I will. So tell me if you don't like it, tell me if you do. I can take you or leave you at this point. It's time to wean out the bad and keep the good. I can handle a healthy debate.
Just something to think about the next time you start to click that "Share" button on that "oh-so-awesome jesus" or "I live for Romney" or "Guns are killing us" post. Think about what the others on you page believe, and what will others think of you, if your entire news feed is covered in other people's pictures, and nothing to do with your own life.
Thank you,
Kiera
1. Guns. This country is in an uproar over gun laws. If not guns, it would be other weapons. We have had weapons since man first started walking the earth. In the beginning, it was for hunting and protection against wild animals. Now...we have become the wild animal. And we need protection from those of us that can't control our primal instinct. And yes, there are those who are born with the inability to control it. I would feel safer myself in a home with a gun. I myself, know how to clean, load and shoot a firearm. I am proud of this fact. I am also proud of the fact that I am a huge promoter of peace. I would never resort to using a weapon unless my life was threatened, or the world came to a state that it was required to hunt for food. Period.
2. Religion. "Religion is like a penis. It's nice to have one, its good to be proud of it. Please don't take it out in public and waive it around and please don't shove it down my throat." Blatantly said. Most people I know are aware of the fact now that I, myself, am not a Christian. I do NOT, however, put people down who are. Nor do I mock the Christian faith. Do I question it? Yes. Do I have debates with intelligent Christian people? Yes. I would never, never, NEVER disrespect someone else's religion. I am always respectful to those who practice differently than I do, and to those who don't practice faith at all. When led in prayer before dinner, I respectfully bow my head. During the pledge of allegiance I RECITE. I am, however, tired of Jesus posts of Facebook. Clicking "like" on a post will not save your soul!! Likewise, ignoring it will not condemn you to hell. Saying "Praying for so-and-so" on your status does not count as a prayer. What this literally translates to is; "Look what a good Christian I am! I'm praying!" IF YOU WANT TO PRAY FOR SOMEONE GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY! A candle light vigil is enduring the frigid air on your face and embracing loved ones while mourning a loss within a group of fellow mourners. Not sharing a photo.
3. Abortion- leaving this one be simply for the fact that my opinion varies depending on the situation. There are situations when women are simply being selfish, and situations when it simply calls for it-period.
4. Gay marriage- love knows no gender. Maybe marriage is a biblical term. I agree. Call it something else. Call it a unity. But let gays have it. Why is there still a fight over this? Oh yes... People are afraid of things that scare them and the amount of homophobes in the world is steadily growing. Not every gay man who approaches you, gentlemen, is hitting on you! You aren't all that awesome and every man (including gay men) have a "type" they are attracted to. You may not be it, get over yourself. Women don't seem to be AS threatened (in my experience) but the same applies ladies! As a bisexual female, I can say that if I am bs'ing with you or come off as flirty- I'm probably just having fun, and not actually hitting on you. If I think you're attractive, I'll let you know. Acknowledging an attractive person, however and saying "I want you NOW" are also not the same. Other than that- let same sex couples love each other. It's love. Who cares?
5. Generalized politics- shut up! Not every single person on Facebook NEEDS to hear your opinion on the president, the impending elections, props, or whatever. Especially more than once! And even if you spam your wall with feeds, chances are, it won't change the opinions of others. The only reason you're doing it at that point is to fire somebody up. It's immature, it's stupid, and no one is impressed that you borrowed a quote from a senator to make yourself sound intelligent. What's worse is you either misspelled it or made yourself look really bad and misunderstood it.
6. "Trash talking"- "My day would've been great if SOMEBODY wouldn't have messed it up by calling. SHE knows who SHE is" Okay, for one- if you are going to follow that up with "Call me" when someone asks "what's wrong?" Don't post it on Facebook because you were looking for attention and sympathy, otherwise....say who you had a problem with. If you don't- SHE either is on your friend's list and you're too chicken to call her out,...or someone she knows is. You are talking crap without talking crap. You are a coward, and shouldn't be spreading your drama disease online anyway. I understand the whole "It's my facebook I'll post what I want" But I can guarantee that girl you called to talk to about it- is probably sick of it too regardless of how much she pretends with her, "Nu uh girl I would've whooped her ass!" ...No you wouldn't have....you don't even have the guts to tell your friend on the other line to shut up already because we are all sick of hearing it...unless of course she is just as into the dramatic fix as the other one in which case,...well they should both go back to High School.
7. "Click to send $1 for this baby with cancer." - By the time that photo has been shared 100 times, it's done. And I'm telling you now, Mark Zuckerburg is NOT paying for all these dying kids. Clicking "Like" or "Share" is not going to save children with cancer, nor would it stop Kony, or Save Katrina Victims, or Keep your Grandma from dying, or help you meet your true love. Now what sharing photos CAN do? It CAN get you a few laughs, or share a nice sentimental or motivational quote. Or see a news video. But as for the rest? It's just spam people.
Okay,....I'm getting off my soapbox now. I'm normally not one to engage like this, but the negativity is grinding at me, and I don't have the option to un-friend because a lot of this stuff is coming from people that I love. But I will. So tell me if you don't like it, tell me if you do. I can take you or leave you at this point. It's time to wean out the bad and keep the good. I can handle a healthy debate.
Just something to think about the next time you start to click that "Share" button on that "oh-so-awesome jesus" or "I live for Romney" or "Guns are killing us" post. Think about what the others on you page believe, and what will others think of you, if your entire news feed is covered in other people's pictures, and nothing to do with your own life.
Thank you,
Kiera
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