Post-Op Goals

1. To be seizure-free
2. To be independent enough that I can care for my children without fear.
3. Sing
I have spent alot of depressed time thinking about this operation....the "what-if's" are killing me. However positive self-talk and thought process are part of my daily routine now. I WILL come out okay, I WILL be able to function and lead a normal life, I WILL take good care of my children independently. Realistically, however, I may be giving something up to obtain that. I REFUSE to allow this to hinder my musical abilities. I already talked to Paul about this possibility. "I swear to god if I can't sing I don't know what I'll do. Not that I'm GREAT at it but it is my love in life. It's what keeps me from spontaneously combusting. If I can't sing you're teaching me to play an instrument. I don't care what it is but you're teaching me" He laughed, but agreed to my terms. I can't stop. Strength is not one of my best attributes but it will be over this. I can't allow this possibility to become a reality. I will practice every single day, do strengthening exercises, scales, whatever. I want to sing even if I am horrible at it. Tonight is the last night for karaoke. The way I am viewing this is that this may very well be the LAST time I sing in public. I'm not sure how my nerves will handle it but goddamnit I am going to SING. I plan on doing some recordings prior to the surgery just in case. So someday I can listen to it and be proud. I always dreamed of a recording contract. Since I was five years old with ropers and a hairbrush I would see myself on stage with a swarm of people singing along to my songs. As a teenager and now an adult; I know that this will always JUST be a dream. But it wont stop me from enjoying what I love. Music is one of the few things in my life I still have a true passion for. Most things are fads with me. My fire burns strong in the beginning and I'm "go-go-go-go" but quickly dies. This has never been the case with my music. I used to be able to play songs by ear. Pick up the piano, trumpet, clarinet, trombone, oboe, (among many others) and play whatever came to mind.....although I no longer possess this ability....the one thing that has slightly deteriorated but I still have is my voice. Smoking has caused my range to shrink and a slight rasping on those damned high notes, but I can still belt a few when I want to. I may need help...(and alot of work) but come hell or high water I am going to do this and find pride in myself for my accomplishments.