Me who?

The thoughts that flood my mind today are not my own. They are that of a strong, independent, responsible woman....where the hell did SHE come from? Careful sifting through decisions,...planning out the pro's and con's of each one, making phone calls, tormenting myself with the person I should be. She never stays put. This woman comes to me once in a while. She organizes my life and taunts me with the idea of adulthood and a chance at independence then flits away expecting me to pick up where she left off. This time tomorrow I will be sitting in this very chair looking over all of the little projects she began, and feel like a child at mommy's desk not sure what to make of any of it. I feel like I can see myself taking a broken crayon and scribbling all over it. This woman has accomplished so much today. Called the doctor about my medication, done more research on VNS therapy, called west hills college to see about changing my major to something more suiting and less detail oriented, went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, called to arrange appropriate child care for doctor's appointments....and tomorrow I will receive call-backs and wonder..."Why did I call them again? What are they talking about?" I try to maintain focus on other subjects and cope with each individually but my mind keeps wandering back to..."why do you care? You have much more pressing issues to deal with right now...leave this alone." Forces me to seem apathetic, uncaring, or too preoccupied to be half attentive to anything else going on around me.....I call the person I am today "that woman" because I feel as though I'm on auto-pilot and she is performing my duties while dragging me around behind her as if to say "see? this is how it's done...." I am somewhere inside my own mind watching everything but not really quite partaking in the rigorous day-to-day routine. She reads my text book for school. She understands it enough to give a paragraph answer. I don't.....two brains, two bodies, two personalities, how am I only one person? It's a strange sensation to see so much haze....am I dreaming? I would absolutely love to wake now and begin my REAL day. Big problems, small problems, ....it seems very selfish and greedy to say "I'm too worried about my own problems right now to concern myself with yours." But that's how I feel.....scrolling through Facebook this morning and seeing so many bitches and moans.....it all seemed so petty. What makes my complaints more valid then theirs?  Why do I feel the right so say "fuck you" when I haven't walked a day in their shoes? To them- their issues are real. Justified. Dire. To me; they are petty and pointless. I am cold-hearted and selfish today. Best to not push the issue further.....until next time....