Gratitude and True Love

Everyday that I log into my blog, I find things to explain, complain, loathe.....today as I sat at my computer browsing facebook I realized something: I may have a LOT of shit going on in my life that drags me down.....but I should absolutely feel blessed. And although I am feeling overwhelmed, worthless, tired and beat down today, I think it's better for me to sit back and appreciate everything I have as opposed to bitching and moaning about what I don't.
    I have more friends then I can count. TRUE friends. Ones who call me JUST to make sure everything is okay. One's who, upon hearing my situations and conflicts become teary eyed and embrace me just to let me know everything will be okay. Friends who do everything in their power to care for me, to make me feel loved and to help me through what is very possibly the most difficult time in my life. Friends who light up and get excited when I walk in the room making me feel so special.
    I have the friends who care for me. The Smarts. They have inconvenienced themselves just to accommodate me and my kids. All four of them make me feel like I can actually be something. They love me for who I am. Although the kids don't always get along with mine, they help in anyway they can. On my bad days Bannie will snuggle up next to me and pet my head and tell me "It's okay Kiera, we love you." I can't help but smile at that one for her nurturing instincts. Casey, on the other hand, has her own way of helping me. By making me laugh. Instead of being the affectionate one, Casey loves to poke fun at me. She knows that by making me laugh at myself; it's not so bad. These kids take care of my kids when need be. And although they do it in very different ways; they take care of me. I wish it could be the other way around...but when my body refuses to cooperate I KNOW I can count on them for help. Although I don't say it nearly enough....I LOVE THOSE GIRLS! I appreciate EVERYTHING they do for me EVERY DAY!! Paul is the one who pushes me. Whether it be yelling at me to get off my ass for my own body's sake, or encouraging me to go back to school or write music for my happiness. He always seems to know what to say and how to say it to motivate me and light the fire under my ass. Ally is....well,.....Ally. LOL She's a little bit of everything. She has sat in waiting rooms for hours on end and told me it was for the best, she's yelled at me, she's encouraged me, .....she's laughed AT me, WITH me.....it's been an interesting ride with these people! I couldn't love them more if they WERE my family.
     I have friends who care about me. Although thousands of miles away, my sweet Shannon still calls and writes me on a regular basis. This woman has been my friend for four years and we have had some interesting times to say the least!! She saw me suffer for two years in a bad relationship, she has seen me struggle with my kids, struggle with the break up and now with this.....and never once given up on me...I love that woman!! Joanie- ten years of friendship came out of me living in Tecumseh, OK for three short months. We clicked so fast and have off and on stayed in contact ever since....I miss her so much but never in a million years dreamed I would've reunited with someone I had known for such a small amount of time. "Sisters" for all intense purposes. :) And now my new friends! At pirate I have Season, Krista, Teresa, Cathi, Richard, and soooooo many others! I LOVE walking in to that place and having to make my way around the room for hugs, and "How are you's" and smiles!! I feel like a star making an appearance on stage! I can't help but be in the best of spirits! And since being introduced to warcraft I have soooo many more people who care about me and manage to make me laugh and smile! Kitty and Hob, Belle! The strangest bunch! It's why I fit in perfectly!!
      I have amazing kids. My children are my everything! And although struggling with ADHD, Kennedy really does just want to help her mommy. She makes her bed now, and cleans her room! She smiles all the time, and never walks by me without a hug and an "I love you Mommy." Chey....well Chey's attitude alone makes me laugh. The new rule is..if mommy cusses Cheyenne slaps me in the mouth. So she will crawl in my lap and smack me then when the words "WHAT IN THE HELL?!" come out of me she gets to smack me again. Gotta admit that kid is too clever for her own good! My girls (all four of them) are what keeps me going. I want to be someone they can be proud of.
       So many people in my life are at bat for me. Never have I EVER had such a large family. And yes I consider EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM MY FAMILY!!

Post-Op Goals

1. To be seizure-free
2. To be independent enough that I can care for my children without fear.
3. Sing
I have spent alot of depressed time thinking about this operation....the "what-if's" are killing me. However positive self-talk and thought process are part of my daily routine now. I WILL come out okay, I WILL be able to function and lead a normal life, I WILL take good care of my children independently. Realistically, however, I may be giving something up to obtain that. I REFUSE to allow this to hinder my musical abilities. I already talked to Paul about this possibility. "I swear to god if I can't sing I don't know what I'll do. Not that I'm GREAT at it but it is my love in life. It's what keeps me from spontaneously combusting. If I can't sing you're teaching me to play an instrument. I don't care what it is but you're teaching me" He laughed, but agreed to my terms. I can't stop. Strength is not one of my best attributes but it will be over this. I can't allow this possibility to become a reality. I will practice every single day, do strengthening exercises, scales, whatever. I want to sing even if I am horrible at it. Tonight is the last night for karaoke. The way I am viewing this is that this may very well be the LAST time I sing in public. I'm not sure how my nerves will handle it but goddamnit I am going to SING. I plan on doing some recordings prior to the surgery just in case. So someday I can listen to it and be proud. I always dreamed of a recording contract. Since I was five years old with ropers and a hairbrush I would see myself on stage with a swarm of people singing along to my songs. As a teenager and now an adult; I know that this will always JUST be a dream. But it wont stop me from enjoying what I love. Music is one of the few things in my life I still have a true passion for. Most things are fads with me. My fire burns strong in the beginning and I'm "go-go-go-go" but quickly dies. This has never been the case with my music. I used to be able to play songs by ear. Pick up the piano, trumpet, clarinet, trombone, oboe, (among many others) and play whatever came to mind.....although I no longer possess this ability....the one thing that has slightly deteriorated but I still have is my voice. Smoking has caused my range to shrink and a slight rasping on those damned high notes, but I can still belt a few when I want to. I may need help...(and alot of work) but come hell or high water I am going to do this and find pride in myself for my accomplishments.

Feelers and Such

It astounds me how people can process the exact same emotion in so many different way. Most people feeling stressed or anxious get a burst of nervous energy, which seems to be quite normal. (Or so I'm told.) Whereas my anxiety gets the best of me, my body gives in and in a rush of panic, I am officially over it and want to sleep. This seems to be my coping mechanism. If I sleep; I don't have to confront the issue that is making me feel so antsy. A whirlwind of thoughts and mindless chatter fill me and suddenly I am fretting over everything that causes me to worry. Everything that will happen, everything that has happened, etc etc....it all sweeps over me and in a ten second period of time I'm suddenly ready for bed. I am suppose to work on "confronting my emotions." This has been an on-going practice for some time now. Or was suppose to be, had I actually been working on it which I have not. To look at myself in the mirror and say aloud: "I am scared." "I am nervous." "I am anxious" "I am angry" "I am depressed" Practicing labeling a specific emotion is something else that causes a basic nervous breakdown. I can't decipher one from another.  It FEELS like I'm anxious when I'm actually depressed. It's the sole cause of one feeling that is the more difficult problem. I am anxious because I have a problem that can not be resolved which makes me depressed due to the inability to fix it. I am angry with myself for feeling inadequate over it. On the feeling's wheel (yes Rachel I am using the fucking thing) it says feelings of inferiority, stupidity, and sleepiness are all found under the depression portion of the wheel.....therefore I am "depressed" by using this tool that I LOATHE WITH EVERY FIBER IN MY BODY I am reluctantly able to identify (not process) the one emotion that ripples into a million others.
Self esteem practice: Look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself, "I look nice today." When you look into the mirror and see a woman looking back at you wearing a tank top, jammie pants, a messy bun and no make-up, it's much easier to say "HOLY CRAP I LOOK LIKE HAGGARD DOG SHIT TODAY." This is not, however, part of building myself up. On days when I do my make-up and hair it's much easier to look in the mirror and see an attractive woman staring back. Most of these days, though, I feel like it's not really me. My eyes stand out, my hair looks nice, my outfit is cute.....who the hell is this girl? I'm not used to being an attention grabber so I feel out of place and awkward when awarded compliments, or second glances or even being flirted with. I feel like the body I have been placed in is getting this attention; not me. I should still weigh 200lbs+ I should still be covered in acne, I should still have short hair, still be just "one of the guys" like I have spent most of my life being. I don't FEEL as though I am attractive. Yes I have days when I dress up and look nice and think "my make-up looks nice" or "my hair looks good" I have a terrible habit of picking out particular attributes to compliment while avoiding the overall package which, again, isn't the me I'm accustomed to.

Unimproving Motherhood

Filling out forms for "who will make your medical decisions IF...." or "what will happen to your kids WHEN....." is the most unnerving process ever. I battle my own thoughts and feelings. I have a full six months or so to work this all out...on the other hand....I only have six months. "Don't worry Sweepea it'll be okay don't stress" versus "don't take this so lightly...you need to be honest with yourself and your family this is a big deal" has left me with a mixture of emotions I can't quite sort out. I sugar coat and joke with everyone so I am not a puddle of depression and fear,....but then have to realistic with everyone which pops my happy little bubble and leaves me in a crater ten feet deep feeling helpless and angry. "It'll be fine, it's a simple procedure,.....in and out in one day..." and "Holy shit it's a major nerve they're going to be playing with" .....I'm not exactly sure about all of it. My loving family has gotten my mind wondering over to those ever-so-lovely "what-if's" .....If something bad were to me....how will my children remember me? Will my three-year-old remember me at all? What kind of memories would come to their mind if someday they were asked "What was your mom like?" Like every other mother on this planet I'm afraid for the example I have set. Kennedy is a frustrating subject. Because of the ADHD I spend half of my time yelling at her and trying to keep her focused on tasks, an the other half crying because all I do is yell.....it's more of a complex situation, but I don't want her memories of her mother to be that "Mom was a very angry woman. She did alot of yelling" I know they KNOW I love them,....but do they KNOW? Since March of this year,...I haven't really been a mom..(as painful as it is to admit, it's true.) On my good days, I am on top of things. I make their snacks and meals, clean up their messes, spend time with them, help with homework, etc....on my bad days....I'm worthless. I repeat phrases like "Give mommy just a minute baby my head hurts" or "Why don't you just go play with your sister?" then frustration...then yelling. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP FIGHTING FOR TWO MINUTES??" "LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE!!" "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU??" "DO THIS!" "STOP THAT!!" ....then guilt sets in and mommy has an emotional break down. The worst part is catching one of them doing something in a room and asking "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" and having them look at me confused and say "Mommy you just told me to put my clothes away. That's what I'm doing"...."I did?" "Yeah mommy"....then more guilt, embarrassment and fear. Memory lapses, pain, exhaustion.....everyday it's something. Very few mothers will admit when they feel inadequate. How can I possibly deny it? I feel as though everyone else is being mommy for me. I have days where I feel horrible simply for the fact that I can't take them out of town for the day. I can't take them for a day trip to the coast, or to the mountains. It all grips me like a vice until my chest hurts and I can't breathe. Makes me wonder how some mom's can leave their kids with everyone, go out every night, get drunk, party blah blah blah when I am WITH my children every day and STILL feel so horrible for not really "being here".....I want me back......

Me who?

The thoughts that flood my mind today are not my own. They are that of a strong, independent, responsible woman....where the hell did SHE come from? Careful sifting through decisions,...planning out the pro's and con's of each one, making phone calls, tormenting myself with the person I should be. She never stays put. This woman comes to me once in a while. She organizes my life and taunts me with the idea of adulthood and a chance at independence then flits away expecting me to pick up where she left off. This time tomorrow I will be sitting in this very chair looking over all of the little projects she began, and feel like a child at mommy's desk not sure what to make of any of it. I feel like I can see myself taking a broken crayon and scribbling all over it. This woman has accomplished so much today. Called the doctor about my medication, done more research on VNS therapy, called west hills college to see about changing my major to something more suiting and less detail oriented, went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, called to arrange appropriate child care for doctor's appointments....and tomorrow I will receive call-backs and wonder..."Why did I call them again? What are they talking about?" I try to maintain focus on other subjects and cope with each individually but my mind keeps wandering back to..."why do you care? You have much more pressing issues to deal with right now...leave this alone." Forces me to seem apathetic, uncaring, or too preoccupied to be half attentive to anything else going on around me.....I call the person I am today "that woman" because I feel as though I'm on auto-pilot and she is performing my duties while dragging me around behind her as if to say "see? this is how it's done...." I am somewhere inside my own mind watching everything but not really quite partaking in the rigorous day-to-day routine. She reads my text book for school. She understands it enough to give a paragraph answer. I don't.....two brains, two bodies, two personalities, how am I only one person? It's a strange sensation to see so much haze....am I dreaming? I would absolutely love to wake now and begin my REAL day. Big problems, small problems, ....it seems very selfish and greedy to say "I'm too worried about my own problems right now to concern myself with yours." But that's how I feel.....scrolling through Facebook this morning and seeing so many bitches and moans.....it all seemed so petty. What makes my complaints more valid then theirs?  Why do I feel the right so say "fuck you" when I haven't walked a day in their shoes? To them- their issues are real. Justified. Dire. To me; they are petty and pointless. I am cold-hearted and selfish today. Best to not push the issue further.....until next time....

Welcome to the future: VNS decisions

Today was, for lack of better phrasing, and "interesting" day. The neurologist has exhausted nearly all her resources on me. What medications I'm not allergic to prevent me from properly functioning on a day-to-day basis. She may have one or two more attempts, she says, but the limited amount of medications used to treat seizures have failed. "Your seizures seem to be less severe, but still frequent, and still continuing to deteriorate your brain." Always a wonderful conversation topic. A new alternative was offered to me today. I have a few months to toy with this "innovative idea" (which is about thirteen years old now) and between now and then she will continue to tweak my medications to see if we can't find some oral treatment that will stop the seizures altogether.

VNS- Vagus Nerve Stimulation. A small electrode would be surgically attached to my vagus nerve in my neck. A wire would then run down my neck to a small pocket-watch sized generator implanted just above my left breast. I would wear a wrist-watch type magnet around my wrist or attached to my belt. The magnet would serve two purposes. One being that it would be swept across the generator acting as an on/off switch. Two is that it would be swept across the electrode itself to send an electric charge across the vagus nerve cutting off the seizure altogether, or at least making the seizure less severe.

On the "pro" side of this decision is that I might actually lead a normal life. The VNS would allow me to go out to functions and not have to leave early or go into hiding due to seizure activity. I would be able to hold a job and not be on a cocktail of daily medication. It also combats depression which we all know I could use.

The "con" side is.....well they are going to be attaching this electrode to a vital nerve. If something goes wrong....it could possibly go really really wrong. Most of the side effects from it include: infection, loss of vocal control, itching or tingling in the throat, cough, and sore throat. Is it bad that my biggest concern is loss of vocal control? I am a singer. Not professionally (obviously) but it's what I do to express myself and find enjoyment in my life. If I lose my ability to sing I will be crushed. I am so conflicted on this. Realistically; it's more then likely GOING to happen. I'm scared of the outcome, but days like yesterday when I walk around exhausted and in a medication haze, I can't wait to have it done. I need more information, and to have my questions answered. A representative will come to my house and talk to me about the product. I have already practiced my introduction to him.
"Hello, before you begin telling me all about this device and procedure know this; I most likely WILL be having this implanted. So for the time that you are here, you are NOT an advocate. You will NOT talk to me like you are selling a product. I am NOT buying a vacuum cleaner; this is my LIFE we will be discussing. I want facts, realistic numbers and percentages NOT 'round about' almost truths. I have questions you will answer for me and if I am not satisfied with the 'presentation' given, I will be contacting your supervisor and another representative will be sent out who can give me REAL information......shall we begin?"
May sound bitchy but it must be done....when you sit for an hour and listen to WHY VNS is the best solution for you, they tend to sugar coat necessary information that may be vital information. I will do what I must, but I will NOT be lead in blindly.....

RAWR KIERA SMASH ...Fact or Fiction?

Had I been born in an era when women bore pain and anguish in silence,...I would have fixed my husband the most extravagant meal he's ever seen, then securely fastened a rope above the kitchen table, taken off all my clothes, and hung myself. (Don't ask why I'd be naked, I don't know.)  For the most part, I posses the ability to quietly absorb my emotions. Every once in a while, however, I explode in a whirlwind of fuck you's and misplaced, over-exaggerated rage and frustration. That's my favorite word in the english language. "Frustrate" or any form of this word. it explains so much for me. "Kiera, what's wrong?" "Mmm....just frustrated..." or "Kiera are you okay?" "Uh-huh,...little frustration, I'll be okay." Followed by a fake smile. Accused of "vagueing it up" I have begun to analyze what this word means to me. For me to be "frustrated" generally means that there are too many emotions encircling my over-all self, and I cannot proclaim myself simply "angry" or "sad" or "anxious" so I title myself "frustrated"....it really is the most befitting word for me. Anger seems to fall into the "frustrated" category more often then not. It's like trying to extract my own tooth to admit that I am having feelings of anger or rage. Although I am often overwhelmed by this emotion, it's far too complex to label or admit. In my past relationship; I was abused. Yes I am openly admitting I allowed a man to dominate me; enjoy while you can. In that relationship; feelings of anger towards me often signaled that he had done something wrong. He had to accuse me of something stupid or become angry with me in order to cope with his own wrong-doings. It seems to now that feelings of anger represent an admission of guilt. There is an entire conversation that occurs within my mind during rage. "Don't admit you're angry; it means you've done something wrong to angry about....but you ARE angry....DID you do something wrong? What did you do? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY ARE YOU ANGRY? YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING!" Which usually ends with me sobbing and more angry than before because I KNOW I must've done SOMETHING to cause me to be so mad, but can't figure it out. Hence; the frustration. I get hurt because often I feel like everyone around me is allowed to be angry at one another simply because the other person has done something wrong. How can they be angry and JUST be angry? Why can't I JUST be angry? I am jealous of them when realistically I am the only one stopping myself from being able to JUST say "I am pissed off at  (insert name) because of (insert reason)" .......How is THAT for twisted mentality?

Thought Hopping- The next "big thing"

Today everything is moving frame by frame. Like my brain isn't coinciding with my eyes. I see the image, then after a dramatic three second pause, my brain identifies it. My body still wants me to be active. To get up, clean, organize and so on. My mind refuses to cooperate. "Back to bed." It tells me....sleep off the exhaustion that parallel on-going thoughts create. To the untrained eye, none of my thoughts are related. Just a stream of random what-the-fucks linked to each other by nothing more then the racing of a mentally unstable woman's rationality. Somehow, though, the vast wasteland that has become my mind have connected the dots and reasoned with my logic until they all become one run-on sentence. Everything interacts with everything. Rational decision making and critical logistics are far beyond my capabilities today. Conversations and the unbalanced teetering on the edge of depression have surged me with a long line of "what-if's" I never wanted to consider. Or never did. There is nothing in this world I hate more then second guessing myself. I lack the confidence now to be so sure of myself to never consider alternate possibilities. I was told by several sources that frontal lobe seizures impact one's decision making skills. Ever since then; I make my choice and the first thought that festers is "Was that right? Fuck!! That wasn't right! Or was it?" I say "festers" because this is what it feels like to me. Like a large puss-filled blister that's about to burst and infect my entire being. Never again will I have the confidence and assurance to create a feasible and probable outcome without wondering "what-if"....the specifications of this side effect don't necessarily impact me with such force that I can't decide on chicken or pork for dinner, but it doesn't stop the manifestation of irrational self image. "I HAVE seizures." Not I AM epileptic. But how do you articulate other phrases in such a way...."I HAVE retardation..." See? Doesn't QUITE have the same impact or sensibility. You see now how smoothly I can link one thought to another? This is what my mind does. I couldn't tell you how this post began without reading through it now because I have wandered too far off course.....anyhow....I am going to chose now to have another cup of coffee and lay down....thank you, that is all. 

The Hyperefficiency of Mania

In a short period of merely forty minutes I was able to clean the kitchen, clean and vacuum the living room, fold and put away two loads of laundry, start another load of laundry, make the bed and collect all the dirty laundry to put in the room for later sorting. Mania must be by far, my favorite feeling. A wonderful weekend of fun, flirting, laughing, dancing and joy followed by day one of, the more favorable, "Super Kiera!!" She can do everything!! Lacking organization? No problem!! Super Kiera to the rescue!! It often times makes me sad, however, to see this woman appear. I take advantage of her presence; but know it will be short lived. Her absence is always noticed and everyone around me misses her once she's gone. My thoughts at these times seemed to be "cleaned up" (for lack of better phrasing) Every thought I have is nicely folded and contained in a neat little file cabinet. I am able to pull one out at a time for review. Unfortunately for me, angry Kiera, Anxious Kiera, and Depressed Kiera rarely complete their thoughts so I'm left now with partial ideas and memories that I can't make heads nor tails of. No problem,....SUPER KIERA can handle this!! Today I am anticipating my doctor's appointment next week. A discussion with a friend has me eagerly awaiting the news from the neurologist. Will I continue on the Business Degree path? Or will I start a new path to a degree in Liberal Arts? Oh the excitement of the prospect of new possibilities. I want something changed drastically!! Usually when I get in these moods I end up chopping my hair off or dying some insane new color, rearranging my furniture, going on a shopping binge for a whole new wardrobe...but since none of these things are within my scope of reasonable abilities,.....I am forced to focus all of my attention and positive thinking towards my ultimate career path in life. So the operative question becomes, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" The answer? ...God only knows! What knowledge do I really posses? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What am I good at? What do I love? So many things placed at my feet now with the realization that I CAN do anything!! The little voice inside my head cries out "DOOOOOIIIIIIT" While the logical side of me (which rarely appears) tells me to do my research, think it through....and wait for the answer to come to me......so I sit here impatiently tapping my foot and waiting....*tap tap tap*