My Reluctantly Un-Normal Brain

It's absolutely amazing to me, the things a human can endure both physically and mentally. Just when you think you've hit your breaking point, something else gets thrown in your face and all of a sudden you're stronger then ever. The brain is quite possibly the most delicate part of the human body. Which is why it's cushioned by fluid and protected by the skull. The slightest little pin prick in the wrong section could cause a full-fledged turn around and a healthier you,....or your entire body to shut down. When a person breaks a bone, the entire body works to recover the fractured area back to full health, even if it's broken off in separate sections. The brain simply chooses to continue deteriorating. Some days are good. I feel like a fully functioning, well rounded adult. And some days I feel as though I have either slipped my way back to a toddler or been thrusted forward and forced into early senility far too soon. Phrases like "I just set my coffee down where the hell did it go?" or "You just told me to do something,...what was it?" or "what did I come into this room for again?" are becoming far too familiar to me. I want nothing more then to find comfort in my own thoughts and can't because these are not my own. And even if they are; I lose them all too quickly. I hate the fact that I am allowed to use this as an excuse even though it feels like mental retardation. (Yes, it's politically correct- look it up) And how much worse can it get before I'm drooling on myself and calling everyone "Mack"? I fear for myself, I fear for my children, I fear that I'm over complicating the situation and it doesn't have to be quite so climactic or dire. I tend to have this whole "oh-my-god-it's-the-end-of-the-world-my-life-is-over" outlook some days, and others it's the "I-can-overcome-anything-just-watch-me-fuckers" take on myself. There's days where I feel as though college is the best thing that's ever happened to me and others when I feel like I am wasting time and money destined to never remember any of the education I'm obtaining. The worst part is failing to articulate. My mind tells me the sentence I want to say but my tongue wont release it from my mouth. What should have been "Can you please pass my the salt?" becomes "Can you ple..ple...ple...ple" and ends with a growling noise due to frustration. And Ally interrupts with an "I got it...here." Someday I will get smart and hang a dry-erase board around my neck like a mute and write everything I want to say. Yes, today is a somewhat depressive day. I lack the ability to think of everything I have; happy healthy children, friends who love me for who I am, people who want to take care of me and help me adjust, the ability to say "I need" and have family or friends help me obtain it,....and inwardly and selfishly focus on the things I don't have; a driver's license, the ability to give my kids everything under the sun, the ability to enjoy a beer or glass of wine once in a while, the ability to go ONE DAY without some sort of medication, clothes that fit, glasses that work, dental coverage that doesn't say "you need a filling? Let's just pull that tooth", a job, a functioning memory, a functioning BRAIN!!! No, I am entirely selfish and far too concerned with my own problems today to worry about all the other problems I don't have. Thank god I don't have cancer, TB, hepatitis, HIV/AIDS, tumors, liver failure, diabetes......no instead today it's WHY OH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE EPILEPTIC?? Simply re-reading this entire entry I realize my mind hops quickly from one subject to another. I have edited this three times so it at least has the appearance of being a smooth transition but it still must be quite obvious to readers. So I will end this now before my head explodes and leaves brain matter splattered to the monitor. Off to take yet another medication and hope for a better day.

The elicit truth; My Brain

I've done a little research here and there and apparently depression and seizures go hand in hand. Go figure. And today I feel like a bumbling idiot. Last night I had  (what my friend refered to as) a focal seizure. Upon reading information about frontal lobe seizures I found something interesting. Apparently my outbursts of hysterical laughing fits is part of frontal lobe epilepsy. I think of it as a form of turrets. Instead screaming vulgaraties at everyone around I simply laugh for no reason and can't seem to stop. My speech is slurred, my eyes can't focus and my vocabulary is stunted. I spoke with my friend ally last night a little bit about this and she explained to me that the frontal lobe is what controls reasoning, and decision making (which makes me REALLY wonder how long this has been happening and how much of my life I can blame on it)
This is the article I came up with:

"The frontal lobes, which are also called the cerebral cortex, are the seat of emotions and judgments related to sympathy, which is the ability to feel sorrow for someone else's suffering, and empathy, which the ability to understand another's feelings and problems. They are also the seat of understanding humor, including subtle witticisms and word plays. The frontal lobes also recognizes sarcasm and irony. And they are where recognition of deception occurs. The frontal lobes control the processes called "mentalizing" upon which our socialization is based; this is the ability to understand another's mental processes."

Over the last few months I have been told several times by several people that I appear "apathetic" to everything and everyone around me...don't mistake this as me making excuses for myself.....but I believe that maybe the inability to show empathy and remorse stems from the nerve damage in my brain. I can FEEL these things...or think I feel these things,....but my actions speak otherwise. My goal for this week;
to learn to verbally express appreciation and empathy. Instead of thinking I am feeling this way and assuming everyone knows I do....I'm going to work on verbalizing it.
The following is more information I found on frontal lobe problems if anyone is interesting in better understanding my brain; not sure I even want to...

 Cognitive symptoms

• Short attention span
• Poor working memory
• Poor short term memory
• Difficulty in planning and reasoning
• Environmental dependence syndrome

Emotional symptoms

• Difficulty in inhibiting emotions, anger, excitement, sadness etc...
• Depression, possibly due to above.
• Occasionally, difficulty in understanding others' points of view, leading to anger and frustration

Behavioural symptoms

• Utilization behaviour
• Perseveration behaviour
• Inappropriate aggression
• Inappropriate sexual behaviour
• Inappropriate humour and telling of pointless and boring stories (Witzelsucht)

Symptoms of Frontal Lobe Seizures

By Mayo Clinic staff
Frontal lobe seizures usually last less than 30 seconds and often occur during sleep. Signs and symptoms of frontal lobe seizures may include:

• Head and eye movement to one side
• Complete or partial unresponsiveness, or difficulty speaking
• Explosive screams or laughter
• Abnormal body posturing, such as one arm extending while the other flexes, as if the person is posing like a fencer
• Repetitive movements, such as rocking or bicycle pedaling

Now not ALL of these things apply to me because I don't believe my ENTIRE frontal lobe is effected...however many of these symptoms are currently displayed on at least a weekly basis. Which also makes me wonder if I really HAVE bipolar or if this is just typical signs and symptoms of neurological frontal lobe misfirings.

The 4 Sides of me

It's not unusual for someone to think of themselves as their mental illness. More often then not you hear someone say phrases like "I am bipolar" or "I am depressed" or "I am schizophrenic" (just an example) but it's much harder to recognize that you are a person "with" these disorders. Inevitably my goal will be to unconsciously say "I am Kiera and I HAVE...." without having to stop and rehearse my sentence before spitting in out. This is suppose to be a step in the right direction for me because as long as I define myself AS my problem I am submerging who I really am further below the surface. A friend of mine recently said "Labels only hurt those who allow themselves to be labeled" of course at the time she was referring to my daughter whom I'm now convinced has ADHD. But because I don't want her individuality and personality traits be defined AS her problem....it will be a natural reaction of mine to say "This is my daughter, she HAS ADHD" whereas some may be prompted to use the phrase "I AM ADHD." I will teach her better from the get-go. There are many out there.....epileptic, diabetic, nymphomaniac, (yeah I threw that one in for my own amusement.) etc....it's far to easy to label yourself an "epileptic" first rather then "I have epilepsy" This is my long term goal now. To be able to characterize myself by my personality traits instead of by my physical or mental handicaps.

Anxiety- Anxiety is a term used to describe the frustration and worry one might feel usually related to stress. Anxiety means depression, depression means agitation and agitation means rage, and rage usually cycles back again to agitation. Well,....with a person with bipolar anyway. I've been diagnosed with this since I was ten and never fully understood. When the word "cycle" was used I thought of a washing machine. (True story) Rinse cycle. Stop. Wash cycle. Stop. Spin cycle. Stop. Recently I have discovered this is not the case. I've always had these emotions just never been quite so quick to suppress them until now. (Thank you Vimpat) I was the queen of misdirect.
"What's wrong Kiera?"
"Nothing...."
"You sure?"
"Hmmm? Yeah just stressed about school"
When realistically what I wanted to do was reach over the counter and rip my mother's head for no apparent reason at that moment other then she was breathing. Anyhoo....back to the cycles.....with something like this I never realized quite how much the emotions run into each other. Or how one emotion will lead to another. Most "normal" people can feel an emotion as simple as anger or sadness and have it be just that....anger and sadness.....then they get over it and go along their life just fine. My emotions tend to bleed together. Anger....anger leads to severe rage...rage to the point of shaking.....then because of the adrenaline pumping,...by the time my mind parts the clouds just a little bit, anxiety sets in. I become nervous, agitated, and worrisome over what the consequences of my actions might add up to.....then depression over the possible outcome and physical exhaustion from anger and anxiety. At this point I begin to think (irrationally) about being cast out by my friends and loved ones because of my actions....I begin to feel isolated (by my own doing) and get even more depressed over something that I BELIEVE MAY be happening....not over what has actually happened. Then people who are close to me point out that fact that I'm depressed over nothing....I have a wonderful life and beautiful children and don't "want" for anything which makes me angry at myself for feeling miserable and hating my life which leads back to...you guessed it....anger/irritability. Now my thoughts may seem rather pathetic to some.....and flat out pointless to others. All I can say is: You can change the thoughts in your head,....but you can't change the way you think them. All in all.....I'm damaged. <------(depression talking) I'm strong <-------(manic talking) I'm FUCKIN FINE <--------(Anger Talking) I'm scared <------(Anxiety talking)....and everything in between. There are several of me.....some of which only certain people have ever had the "privilege" of meeting. For those of you who haven't; congrats. For those of you who have; I'm so so sorry.    

Drugs and Lack Thereof

If I had ever tried meth,....I would have surely been addicted. I find myself constantly searching for ways to make myself "feel" better. It doesn't matter if it's up or down....a stimulant or a relaxant. I have realized a pattern in myself with my seizure medications. The minute I start feeling one way or the other (usually exhausted and worn) I have the overwhelming urge to stop taking it. When I get too low....I want something to bring me up....when I get too high I want something to bring me back down. I am searching for the illusive "happy medium" I will surely never find. Now is the feeling of apathy caused by the Kepra interrupted occasionally by severe attacks of anxiety, irritability and sheer rage from the Vimpat. I'm easily manipulated into these emotions. If someone looks at me wrong,...I am instantly angry,....if everyone around me is stressed about kids, finances, cleanliness I instantaneously become depressed. If I had some sort of amphetamine in my hand at this moment,....I have no doubt I would consume it in a heartbeat. Which is why, I suppose, I prefer to avoid all drugs (illegal and legal) altogether. To avoid the inevitable catastrophe of my would-be life. There are only two reasons I have made it this far without it; their names are Kennedy and Cheyenne. That's all the motivation I need. Although with the Kepra moments creeping up on me like a snake it becomes increasingly difficult to do. The strangest idea to me is that I have never done any sort of drugs (other then marijuana occasionally as a teenager- who hasn't?) and yet I talk like a junkie in withdraws. How is it that I have such an addictive personality and despise everything I want to be addicted TO?  Depression is far too easily obtained now because of the medication I loathe. But apparently my brain and the cells that remain there are now chemically dependent on these medications to continue to thrive. If I'm too depressed....I now turn to anything natural I can find to bring me up. Vitamins. Anything beneficial to a lack of energy I will have. When I am too anxious or nervous or mad....I want the melatonin hiding in the back of the medicine cabinet to bring me down....although due to the obsessive fear of being brought too far down I refuse to take it altogether. Theoretically I shouldn't be able to function on my own thoughts and feelings alone. I'm too dependent on outside forces to enable these "feel-good" emotions. Who isn't nowadays? There is a medication for everything, and everything is a disease. That is my rant for today....now I must unwillingly use my own self-motivation to get off my ass and do something productive.
*For the record- I do not nor have I ever used illegal drugs....except marijuana which is at the moment debatably illegal...and it was about ten years ago....so NO I'm not a "pot head" "crack head" or suffer from "meth mouth" or whatever. Everyone has these feelings I believe...some give into it....some fight it......me? Depends on the day....the only drugs I'm truly "dependent" on is nicotine and caffeine and last time I checked coffee and cigarettes are legal. (Expensive...but legal) 

Not so "Einstein-esque"

Okay, so I'm not developing some radical hypothesis. You got me. But I feel like keeping some of my intimate thoughts open and public might help me not feel so "trapped" or burdened by own own emotion. I am not going to write out some literary abortion on who I am and what I stand for as my first blog. I AM however going to touch over a few parts of my life that you will probably read more then you care to about.
1. Seizures
2. A mentally uncertain child
3. Bipolar Disorder 
4. Domestic Abuse
5. Bisexuality
 6. Spiritual Disconnection


I'm at a position in my life right now where I feel like being open and honest about these things will make it less dominating over my life entirely. I have yet to do my "homework" on some of these things to truly understand them. As I begin my research and start to educate myself on all of this,....you too, will be informed. Understanding is half the battle. So now that you know all of this, I will leave you with the whole "About me" crock that no one really cares to read;

       My name is Kiera. I am a 23 year old mother of two. Kennedy and Cheyenne. I am unemployed, and currently disabled as deemed by the great state of California. I am from a small town in the San Joaquin Valley. I am currently attending college for Hotel and Restaurant management. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent woman who is easily distracted "OH LOOK A CHICKEN!!" ......If you aren't already interested in this blog; stop reading. Otherwise,.....feel free to keep up with me....I know I can't!