RAWR KIERA SMASH ...Fact or Fiction?

Had I been born in an era when women bore pain and anguish in silence,...I would have fixed my husband the most extravagant meal he's ever seen, then securely fastened a rope above the kitchen table, taken off all my clothes, and hung myself. (Don't ask why I'd be naked, I don't know.)  For the most part, I posses the ability to quietly absorb my emotions. Every once in a while, however, I explode in a whirlwind of fuck you's and misplaced, over-exaggerated rage and frustration. That's my favorite word in the english language. "Frustrate" or any form of this word. it explains so much for me. "Kiera, what's wrong?" "Mmm....just frustrated..." or "Kiera are you okay?" "Uh-huh,...little frustration, I'll be okay." Followed by a fake smile. Accused of "vagueing it up" I have begun to analyze what this word means to me. For me to be "frustrated" generally means that there are too many emotions encircling my over-all self, and I cannot proclaim myself simply "angry" or "sad" or "anxious" so I title myself "frustrated"....it really is the most befitting word for me. Anger seems to fall into the "frustrated" category more often then not. It's like trying to extract my own tooth to admit that I am having feelings of anger or rage. Although I am often overwhelmed by this emotion, it's far too complex to label or admit. In my past relationship; I was abused. Yes I am openly admitting I allowed a man to dominate me; enjoy while you can. In that relationship; feelings of anger towards me often signaled that he had done something wrong. He had to accuse me of something stupid or become angry with me in order to cope with his own wrong-doings. It seems to now that feelings of anger represent an admission of guilt. There is an entire conversation that occurs within my mind during rage. "Don't admit you're angry; it means you've done something wrong to angry about....but you ARE angry....DID you do something wrong? What did you do? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY ARE YOU ANGRY? YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING!" Which usually ends with me sobbing and more angry than before because I KNOW I must've done SOMETHING to cause me to be so mad, but can't figure it out. Hence; the frustration. I get hurt because often I feel like everyone around me is allowed to be angry at one another simply because the other person has done something wrong. How can they be angry and JUST be angry? Why can't I JUST be angry? I am jealous of them when realistically I am the only one stopping myself from being able to JUST say "I am pissed off at  (insert name) because of (insert reason)" .......How is THAT for twisted mentality?