As I sat watching a television show last night something interesting was said.
"Men are the rock. They are strong, solid, capable of withstanding great weight and hardship. Women are fluid like water. Always changing and adapting."
After an altercation this morning with a man it dawned on me.
We ARE water. We move sometimes swiftly and chaotically to achieve our goals. Sometimes we appear to be standing still, but beneath our surface tides are rolling and slowly changing the very environment around us.
So, darling, you be the rock. But understand this- you are but one rock beneath tepid waters. And I am the river slowly molding, eroding and moving you to bend to my will.
Now go fuck yourself.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
No More Bullshit.
Times have changed so much in the last fifty years. Women are being taught that they are to be regarded as equals from an early age. They are taught what abuse is. How they are worth more then to allow someone to treat them badly. And every time you see photos of abuse, it is always worse case scenarios. What they are not taught is that there are many forms of abuse. That someone can make you feel afraid, or worthless without ever having to lay their hands on you.
This is what they are neglecting to tell our daughters. Keep in mind throughout this,....I am not what you would call a "feminist"...but more of a "survivor".
I filed for a restraining order against my daughter's father in the beginning of this month. For privacy purposes, let's call him J. In June of this year, I had to call the police and have them escort me to J's home to retrieve my daughter who was in his possession. She is six. He had drank himself stupid, and passed out with my six year old child after scaring the shit out of her by throwing everything off of her dresser, and slandering me to her.
I was with him, in a domestically abusive relationship, for four years. I have been separated from him, for four years. This means that for eight years of my life, that I will never get back, I have been abused in one form or another. He has not laid a hand on me since our split in 2010, but he has found ways of manipulating, and guilting and outright verbally, and emotionally abusing me for EIGHT YEARS. I was ready for it to stop after the incident with my child. I provided proof to the Police Department of obsessiveness, harassment, and verbal abuse.
My request was denied until a Court Hearing. If this does not go through, what that tells me (and my daughter) is that unless a person is physically assaulting you currently, or stalking your every move,...that they are not abusive. My eleven-year-old daughter remembers everything. And I do mean everything. Every foul word ever muttered under his breath, every time his hands found themselves clasped around my neck, and every single time he non-nonchalantly followed me around the house with the barrel of his shotgun daring me to find out whether it was loaded or not. This makes me ill. I could have very easily called my daughter into court, had her testify and drudge up old memories she's trying so hard to forget....but why would I force my beautiful damaged child to relive moments that I, myself, am also trying so hard to forget?
My daughter learned her coping skills from her mother at far too early an age. How to force things "under the rug" and put a smile on her face no matter what. How to not feel. For this reason I failed her.
My youngest, doesn't remember living with her father, and as best I can I shelter her from the feuds. This isn't working anymore. She is smart, and alert and far too opinionated for a little girl. "Daddy can come see me when he learns to follow the rules. Everyone has to follow rules mom."
She hasn't seen her father since June because Daddy wont follow the rules. And her lack of caring for him astounds me. She occasionally brings him up when a song comes on the radio that she had listened to with him.
"Do you miss your Daddy?"
"Yeah a little bit."
"Would you like to talk to him?"
"Maybe tomorrow."
Tomorrow. It's always "tomorrow" and yet tomorrow never comes.
She knows how he speaks to me, of me. And it angers her. My biggest fear is her getting to an age when she attempts to speak up to her father about it, gets angry, aggressive. And he does the same thing to her that he has done to me.
J pays child support. He works, and he used to take her every other weekend. Ever since that Sunday night in June, he doesn't push the issue with her. What does a father have to do exactly to make a small child stop caring about him, but also for him to give up so quickly? My daughter wont really talk about it,...and this worries me. I raised no victims. I refuse to allow them to be, and in order to portray this to them, I must begin by showing my daughters that through my struggles...through the name calling, the slapping, hitting, kicking, dragging, slandering and manipulation....that Mom came out on the otherside stronger then ever. And Family Law courts be damned,.....I AM NO VICTIM!!
This is what they are neglecting to tell our daughters. Keep in mind throughout this,....I am not what you would call a "feminist"...but more of a "survivor".
I filed for a restraining order against my daughter's father in the beginning of this month. For privacy purposes, let's call him J. In June of this year, I had to call the police and have them escort me to J's home to retrieve my daughter who was in his possession. She is six. He had drank himself stupid, and passed out with my six year old child after scaring the shit out of her by throwing everything off of her dresser, and slandering me to her.
I was with him, in a domestically abusive relationship, for four years. I have been separated from him, for four years. This means that for eight years of my life, that I will never get back, I have been abused in one form or another. He has not laid a hand on me since our split in 2010, but he has found ways of manipulating, and guilting and outright verbally, and emotionally abusing me for EIGHT YEARS. I was ready for it to stop after the incident with my child. I provided proof to the Police Department of obsessiveness, harassment, and verbal abuse.
My request was denied until a Court Hearing. If this does not go through, what that tells me (and my daughter) is that unless a person is physically assaulting you currently, or stalking your every move,...that they are not abusive. My eleven-year-old daughter remembers everything. And I do mean everything. Every foul word ever muttered under his breath, every time his hands found themselves clasped around my neck, and every single time he non-nonchalantly followed me around the house with the barrel of his shotgun daring me to find out whether it was loaded or not. This makes me ill. I could have very easily called my daughter into court, had her testify and drudge up old memories she's trying so hard to forget....but why would I force my beautiful damaged child to relive moments that I, myself, am also trying so hard to forget?
My daughter learned her coping skills from her mother at far too early an age. How to force things "under the rug" and put a smile on her face no matter what. How to not feel. For this reason I failed her.
My youngest, doesn't remember living with her father, and as best I can I shelter her from the feuds. This isn't working anymore. She is smart, and alert and far too opinionated for a little girl. "Daddy can come see me when he learns to follow the rules. Everyone has to follow rules mom."
She hasn't seen her father since June because Daddy wont follow the rules. And her lack of caring for him astounds me. She occasionally brings him up when a song comes on the radio that she had listened to with him.
"Do you miss your Daddy?"
"Yeah a little bit."
"Would you like to talk to him?"
"Maybe tomorrow."
Tomorrow. It's always "tomorrow" and yet tomorrow never comes.
She knows how he speaks to me, of me. And it angers her. My biggest fear is her getting to an age when she attempts to speak up to her father about it, gets angry, aggressive. And he does the same thing to her that he has done to me.
J pays child support. He works, and he used to take her every other weekend. Ever since that Sunday night in June, he doesn't push the issue with her. What does a father have to do exactly to make a small child stop caring about him, but also for him to give up so quickly? My daughter wont really talk about it,...and this worries me. I raised no victims. I refuse to allow them to be, and in order to portray this to them, I must begin by showing my daughters that through my struggles...through the name calling, the slapping, hitting, kicking, dragging, slandering and manipulation....that Mom came out on the otherside stronger then ever. And Family Law courts be damned,.....I AM NO VICTIM!!
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