Random thoughts and a Ship with no Captain

Those "heavy-hearted" sort of days are the hardest. And I can't seem to count all of the reasons swimming in my mind. The guilt seems to eat me alive. "Do something about it. Change it." Is the best advice I can get. This should be truly motivational. Moving. I should be oppositional defiant. Some days I am. On bad days, my outward attitude appears as though I am "apathetic" or "rolling over".....defeated. Uncaring. If they could only hear the thoughts being tossed around in this mind of mine. I can't physically force myself to do anything. Or I get a burst of energy,  then as fast as it comes, it's gone again. I don't want to lose the beauty of what I have. The emotion...the story of day to day life. These are days I want to remember someday without regret. These thoughts run through my mind every single day. I have lived enough regretable days in my 24 years of life. I am old enough now to be able to make REAL impressions and still young enough to get started but can't even seem to move from where I now sit. My eyes fuzz over and refuse to focus. My hands fidget with anything my fingers come in contact with. Some days even words are far too complex for my brittle mind. My tongue toys in the strangest ways with words before finally releasing them from my mouth. It feels as though my body does it just to tease me. Letting me know that IT is in charge now. Not me. Someday I will force it to stand down. To relinquish control. For now...what else is there to do besides wait and enjoy he good days?

Humor in Bat Shit Crazy

Emotional drama is about an angry bitch today. I've never been the type of woman who went looking for gossip or who wanted the latest scoop on the "Oh-Em-Gee!! BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT he-said she-said" bull shit....occasionally, however, drama pimp slaps me clean across the face. Screams, tears, laughs, and numbness all in one day. You could blame it on a thousand and one things today and I would say "yes that's it." Because, yes, that is it! EUREKA!!*  But the problem is "yes!" is the answer to everything. I was angry because of (insert random stupid reasons). I was hysterically crying because of (insert another random stupid cry-baby reason). It all sounds right, it all feels right,....and it all towers above me on days like today. Lashing out at those who love me and are trying their best to help me is not a norm for me. (Although occasionally I think about peeing in their cheerios) It became another one of those "HOLY SHIT! WHO IS THIS MONSTER OF A WOMAN LIVING IN MY SKIN AND WHY CAN'T SHE AT LEAST BRING ME A NICER RACK?!" days. (Ok I totally think this bitch owes me AT LEAST that) I'm not usually THAT quick to pop the ANGRY BOSS macro. (Usually better at misdirect! /cast MD on the dude next door, the mailman  or the freaking dog for all I give a shit anyone to keep my omen meeter from popping!!!)  Not usually so fast to point fingers and blame and play the guilt card. But occasionally I get to go all RAAAAWR KIERA SMASH and then twenty minutes later look around me at the path of destruction I've left behind and the only thought that comes to mind is.. "Ahhh fuck....I MAY have over-reacted slightly....my bad guys!"

As you read through this particular blog it's pretty easy to chuckle....to "omg" or "lol" ...truth be told....I made this one to make myself feel better. I wanted a laugh at my own expense so I wouldn't have to face reality. (Which seems to be my go-to nowadays.) I'm afraid. I'm emotional. I'm anxious. I don't know what I did. What I'm doing. What TO do. What it boils down to is this:
I am only human. And every human has a breaking point.

Still Waters

So many things wash over me on days like this. Like a tidal wave of anxiety that refuses to pass. Once one has subsided another comes crashing down on me. Feelings of inadequacy and helplessness overwhelm me. I know there's a dim light at the end of this tunnel but it seems to be flickering on and off teasing me with the concept that it is, in fact, really there. I want so bad to DO something. There must be someway to be more then I am. Occasionally, I truly believe this. More often then not I say it aloud simply as an attempt to convince myself of it's truth.
Anxiety mostly encircling my children. Having been in an abusive relationship with this man, I have found that over the past year, I have a lot of anger towards him for what he has done to me. a smart-mouthed comment from his three-year old daughter forces him to turn his aggression towards me and begin to point fingers as though I am the culprit. She chases poor little Bumble-cat around the house while he meows in protest and she yells "Bumble! I hate you face Bumble!" Apparently taking that particular phrase to her father was not the wisest of choices. But again, she's a three-year-old child with an attitude. Nothing that ever comes out of her mouth catches me by surprise...(except of course her newest rendition of "If you're Happy and You Know it")  I always have that split moment of guilt where I feel as if I did something wrong, (out of habit of course) followed by sheer rageful hatred and anger. I have to fight downs feelings of aggression and revenge. The overwhelming urges to give back to him what he did to me. I was never a person of retaliation, nor do I want to be. But occasionally his words stab me like a cold blade and the only thing I can do is lie down in a quiet place, do some deep breathing, and remember that no words I can shout at him will ever hurt him the way he did me. Breath in.......breath out.....close my eyes......focus on something beautiful....something calming.....my children....listen to the rain......music.....anything but this.....five years of verbal and physical abuse have manifested into a lifetime of pain and anguish. I will never be the same person I once was. He has seared himself into my mind....his actions,....his words.....I will never forgive....someday I will let go.....but never forgive. I want so bad for now to be the time to move on....but every single time my head begins to hurt,....my eyes begin to twitch....my speech is slurred, my hands fidget,....every time I take my anti-consultants, every time my children say "Mommy's seizing leave her alone" more gasoline is poured on my fire and my hatred burns for him. He is the reason I will never live a normal life. He is the reason my brain is slowly deteriorating. Most days I am perfectly capable of staying calm and collected....the surface is steady and peaceful.........don't step in though.....that under current could hurt.....

Over-powered Positivity

After a minor break-down this morning, I have decided to put this all into a much better perspective. I am determined I want more and better things. I AM going to be okay. I AM going to continue with my life without hesitation. Memory exercises, check-lists, alarms and timers, whatever it takes. Hell, yesterday I found that I have to revert back to infancy to calm myself down! And you know what? I'm DAMN WELL GONNA DO IT!! Something about rubbing my fingers against fabrics makes me feel better. Toted around a blankie for a bit like a toddler until Paul gave me a hanky. Yesterday it felt infantile and stupid. Today I have a new mindset. It helps. I don't care. It's soothing and I will do what it takes to help control seizure activity. Today: Mindful Meditation and wagging around a hanky. Sounds completely ridiculous to anyone reading this....even me. But I am NOT going six to eight months with on-going everyday seizure activity.....I will meditate myself clear to hell if need be. Kids: got this. Money: Got this. Medical issues: Got this. I'm good! And how could anything POSSIBLY bring me down now?? I have the world in my hands waiting for me to take it and nothing could be better. I love my life and everyone in it. I AM stronger because of this. I WILL be self-sufficient. I will prove to everyone and myself that this is possible. That I can be a single mother and a reliable friend. And besides that; if my memory remains the way it is now I can always look on the bright side: every hour is a new adventure!! :)

Wheeeeeeee!!!

"Net Capital Outflow: The link between the two markets. We begin by discussing what we've learned in this chapter so far..."
What have we learned in this chapter so far? That my thoughts are that of a five-year-olds and can not seem to process such large intricate words such as "currency-exchange", "loanable funds" or "nominal exchange rate". The words themselves appear as though they should be simple enough. "Loanable" means able to loan. Funds means money. The two words together SHOULD mean money that is able to be loaned....not in this book. There is no logic to economic definitions and my brain knows this. And today the idea of spouting off repeatable information is beyond my grasp. If I can't understand it, and it wont sink in.....how do I know to repeat it? The test is tomorrow....I've got nothing. I feel like everything I'm try to absorb is simply leaking out my ear. I have that one second light switch that flips on and a split moment of clarity....then it's gone. "What was I thinking?" followed by a loud and obnoxious "DAMNIT!! SHIT!!" (Yes I curse alot I know) No seizure activity today (I don't think) but I feel as though my entire brain has shut down. Where's the on-switch?? Soon (I hope) I will be getting my referral to Stanford for my video EEG and the more I say it to myself the better I feel. "It'll all be over soon.....it'll get better,....the switch will turn back on and it'll all be okay" ....temporary fix for an on-going problem. I'm sitting on an oiled-up teeter-totter and occasionally it rocks in my favor. Other days I slip clean off the other side, and fall in the mud on my ass.....
*gets up*
*brushes off mud*
*jumps back on teeter-totter*
At least it's an interesting ride.......