I recently chose to undergo a new path to find a way to a spirituality all my own. Something earthy-based, that was more tangible and free-form.....not so constricting. This newer path (I wont mention) I probably SHOULDN'T have mentioned...to ANYONE! The people I thought would be the most supportive now seem to be looking down on me. (No I'm not sacrificing virgins or spilling goats blood in the name of some demonic force) but I have already been called a "tard" and asked about the "values" I will be passing to my children through this new found faith. To be quite honest,....I didn't see it necessary to drag my girls down this path with me. My kids were raised of knowing one god, and one satan, ten commandments, and one holy bible....and so it shall remain. My new quest is mine alone to take. And having science and the kinetic energy forces shoved down my throat as proof that such dieties do not exist doesn't seem to be waivering me this time since these teachings prove the same things. We are all made up of energies. It seems I have also become somewhat "absorbed" in this new search...a bad habit I have. Anytime I find something that interests me, I fling myself into it whole-heartedly. "Maybe in your path to spirituality you'll make time for everything else in your life." I want to retort, "I need this. As angry as you are with me about what is going on situationally, this has nothing to do with faith or religion..." but more then likely I will say this as I am peering up from my book of teachings. This ISN'T far from the truth. Although I haven't yet submersed myself in this religion itself, I HAVE spent many hours with my face buried in books, or on the computer doing extensive research on the subject. And although I truly believe I need this, I also believe this is a selfish move on my part. I WILL be chastised for this. If I am really going to peruse this, it will have to be in private. When no one is around, and on my own time. No one needs to know, and it should not be flaunted. Why present myself in such a way that will create vulnerability any more then I already have? There is so much about me that so many already know. I didn't intend to let others know as much as they do. I came here to "keep the mystery" and allow myself to sort of "start over." I wanted a second chance. I have yet to accomplish that. In few aspects, I have. I am no longer the angry, torn, scornful woman I once was. I don't deliberately start fist fights like a white trash gutter rat the way I once did. I don't purposely destroy property, (my own included) and although I've become more distant from my children then I once was, I don't allow them to be exposed to the things they once were. I suppose the distancing is mostly a guilt factor....that's for a different day though....but back to the subject of the religion....I want,...no....I feel I NEED the spiritual connection with SOMETHING....and the Christian God just isn't it....I feel like my ties with him have been severed. Maybe it's my sexuality. I don't feel the need to fight that. It's not a sin to have feelings for a woman. Why should it be? I don't want to be "loved" by a God who is so quick to cast me to hell for having feelings of attraction or even feelings of LOVE even if they are for someone of the same sex! Love is a terribly amazing and wonderful feeling, and how can you condemn someone to hell for loving? That seems hypocritical. He makes people that way, then asks you to do the worst thing possible.....to suppress it. Maybe it's that the Holy Bible is a book of "He-said She-Said" (And by the way- if you are reading this and are Christian- please DO NOT try to tell me why the Bible is correct, or why Christianity is "the way" .....this blog is of feeling, not of fact, and this is not in any way, shape or form an introduction to a religious debate....I DO NOT have the energy or the mind set for that right now- so if this offends you please just stop reading now!) and and there is no actual proof that any of it happened other then,...some people wrote stuff down.....I could write down a false life story right now and fifty years from now- someone could find it a worship me! Christianity is based off of blind faith. "God is all around us" ..."You have to trustingly put your life in his hands" ......"Trust him to guide you, and he will take care of you" I'm sorry, but I...and I alone.....am in charge of my destiny. God did not take me away from a domestically abusive relationship....I gathered that strength myself...would you like to know WHO gave me that strength??? My children. Plain and simple. But as far as ACTUAL spirituality..... thanks to the people around me who truly need me....remarks made and eyes placed upon me.....everyone will be happy to know...I am giving up on it altogether. My books are going on the bookshelf, I'm done. I can't stand to be mocked, and I can't handle having those around me who love me think that I am more concerned with myself then them. I will chose not to learn. I will chose not to pray, or meditate, .....No redes, rules, commandments,.... So when it comes down to it, and all the problems in their lives and mine,....I will depend on karma, or the chaotic universe, or a random series of events or WHATEVER the hell kind of force it is out there that forces us to drive in forward motion to continue pushing....and I will sit in solitary and do good for myself. So that the god, goddess, diety, muse, or karma, or chakra, threefold law, rede, crede, rules, rites, whatever it is, hopefully doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.
