Beatrice Fay Brown Palmer

Yesterday, my Grandma Bea passed away. The notion hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. She and I had discussed many times both in person, and over the phone that this would happen. She spoke of death like she wasn't afraid. That it would come to her as a peaceful slumber. Or at least she hoped it would. She wanted to go to sleep, and simply not wake up. My Grandmother is one of the few who passed exactly the way she wanted it. Although I had lost touch with her over the last five years or so, my Grandmother was losing touch as well. So this was a painful relief. Not for me of course, but this is what we are suppose to be telling ourselves to make her moving on less painful.
After the initial shock of being told the news....the gut wrenching, "wind-knocked-out-of-you", falling on the ground to your knees (literally), feeling of pure helplessness, guilt, and shame. Yes guilt and shame. We all felt it. Anyone who said otherwise are liars. Whether she was your round the clock babysitter, you spoke down to her because her mind was going, or snickered because her hearing was bad and everytime you said something she would smile because she had no clue what you were saying.....the moment after grief came absolute guilt. It's natural. You never feel that REALLY until after someone's passing. I did. I felt for her the last time I was up there, although I made no real attempt to connect. I do feel the stab of guilt, as I should....as should we all. But in reality, I don't think Grandma really cared. She had her babies, her family, and her house. She moaned and groaned a lot, as old women tend to do,....but she had most of what she wanted.

For those of you who don't already know- I'm taking the opportunity to share this now, as I see no real sense in hiding this any longer. I feel no shame in it, just wanted to avoid conflict;
I am not a Christian.
So after the sudden punch had passed of feeling miserable, I remembered Grandma's talks with me, and her telling me that she didn't want her "babies to hurt" over her passing. So yesterday evening, as I sat, half laying, in a daze on the couch, I began to imagine the after life for my Grandmother.
She was part Indian, and loved to brag about it. I imagined her journey into the Nightlands to comfort myself. A peaceful, effortless descent that brought a tear to my eye. But as she came to the open plains of the place of rest, she didn't enter.
I couldn't get past this part of my fantasy. I began to bother me a bit.
Then it dawned on me. I am not a Christian, but my Grandmother was. A devout one at that. She wasn't in the Nightlands. Or the Summerlands, or the Underworld, the Resting Grounds or otherwise. Grandma Bea was nestled snuggly and firmly in the hands of heaven.
And having known what I did about heaven, and what I did about the things Grandma and I had talked about, I envisioned her heaven. And cried. I know now where she is. And she is happy.

Grandma is on a porch surrounded by the wet red clay in the Oklahoma sunset. A 27 year old rendering of herself (because this is the age she had always said she would be happiest, and would go back to given the chance) is sitting on a rocking bench on a porch with her daddy. They're drinking Pepsi, and she's catching him up on all the family gossip, telling him about her newest babies, explaining what Facebook is, and enjoying all the company he has to offer. Surrounded by sweetly scented purple lavender......

Normally at a moment like this,.....people say, "Rest in peace so and so" but I don't think this is necessary. Grandma never needed to be told to rest. She spent the last few years resting, so that when she got up there, she'd have the energy to do everything she ever wanted. I hope she doesn't rest. I hope she laughs, and talks to Grandpa Brown and Granny for days. I hope she mingles with family members long forgotten, and keeps her eyes on us all the way she really wanted to. I hope she continues to be the voice in our ear.
And although these are always too late when they come,....I want to be the first to come out and say what an asshole I was. I'm sorry Grandma....but I have a strange feeling of peace when I say it. Like it just doesn't matter anymore.

I hope we can all take a moment in the next few days to say we are sorry, allow that forgiving feeling to wash over us,.....and think of the way she was when we were kids eating watermelon on the back porch....I have to since I didn't know her at 27.

Long summers running barefoot to Anita's house while she chased us about burning our feet on the street, sprinklers in the backyard, elaborate holiday meals, days worth of video footage because she didn't want to miss a minute of our childhood, the stupid songs she sang that would stuck in our heads,....that I will sing to my kids for years to come....

Amen.
Blessed Be.
Benedictus.
And all that may follow.

Neurotic Ramblings

Today is most definitely a "poor pitiful me" day. Every one seems a little agitated with me as I have been at a disconnect lately with all but one. My decision making skills are lacking still.I have fallen back on my arse down that slippery slope known as "co-dependence" and allowed myself to project my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety onto those around me. I have become neurotic and compulsive in my need to satisfy, and suffocated one while neglecting the other. Such is the plight of the Bi-polar co-dependent. I must say for an otherwise mentally healthy co-dependant, it must be a nightmare. I have the inability due to bi-polar to be able to focus on multiple things at one time, and sometimes hone in on one "over-focused" subject and do it until it kills me. For a normal person, co-dependance is the obsessive need to please everyone at once.....I would likely off myself. This would probably be better for everyone else, just not me.
I haven't been doing my meditation like I'm suppose too....*slaps own wrist* BAD MYOTONIC GOAT-GIRL!! In-part due to not having time period, and partially due to not having time alone and being embarrassed by the process it requires. Smart remarks and wise-cracks make me just not want to do it at all. Ally says to "Own that shit" ....easier said then done. I don't know why it's such a sensitive subject for me. Make fun of the hair on my back, the unusual length of my toes, the size of my nose, my crooked teeth,....most likely I will laugh too and blame my genetics with a, "those fuckers!!" but for something that is so comfortable to me, it is still an uneasy subject matter to talk about my meditation techniques and beliefs. It's mostly the way in which it's done too, I suppose. Agitated, hostile, and almost angry and defensive. Like how dare I think freely and believe something different that's so out there??
So many reasons for deflection of emotion. This trip has me on edge. There has been alot of "up and down" with my family over the last year and a half. One huge blow-out, followed by a make-up, followed by little bouts of disagreements here and there and only hearing from them occasionally.....and now I am going to see them. I have an extremely high level of anxiety over that. My daughter's mental issues, that (was pointed out to me this morning) should have been taken care of over the summer while I could watch her reactions to medications....(of course I didn't think of that....why would I?? Now she gets to wait for school to start because we had "too much chaos going on this summer") her father who can't come get her, wont come get her, wants to fight, then wants to be friends again, the little one just plain being four years old, the potential photographic opportunities I'm letting slip through my fingers, the financial bull shit that I haven't even begun to take care of REALLY, all of that and trying to cope with my own mental issues and NOT HAVE SEIZURE ACTIVITY BECAUSE GOD FORBID I SHOULD START TO TWITCH!! I have swept it under the rug for the last few weeks,....and today that rug is being trampled. Little by little particles of my muck are flying out. So now I suppose I'm going to just sit back and wait for an elephant to come tromping through and taking the damn rug with him, exposing all my dirty little secrets.......I may boil over....wish me luck.... 

"Tied Up"

I can't tell whether it's a lasting effect from alcohol consumption, co-dependence kicking in, or a depressive cycle starting to rear it's ugly head, but either way today is wrapped in anxiety and topped off with a nice little panic attack waiting to happen. Imagine yourself in a chair, bound in thin twine, on the edge of a cliff while your skin itself writhes underneath to set you free. The twine is the only thing keeping you balanced from tipping off altogether. So you breathe deeply. Low, shallow, controlled breathes....but the harder you try to control your nerves, the worse they get. The worse they get, the more you squirm, the more you squirm the tighter the string gets,.....the eventuality being that it's going to snap. Whether or not you have the right mindset to hit the ground running the opposite way, or panic to the point of falling off is the question. So I sit.....in my chair....wrapped in twine.....and squirming, gasping for air. It's a miserable feeling to not have a hold of your own emotion. To be at the point where your gut is physically wrenching from the amount of emotional bullshit that's going on in your brain. And over what? Do I even know? I can tell myself not to worry.....I wont concern myself....meditate....find my balloon....today? It doesn't seem to matter. Hands are shaky, mind is darting all over the room yet all I can think to do is go to bed? Too much time to myself causes irrational thinking, which causes higher anxiety levels. I allow everyone else's mood to determine mine which causes higher anxiety levels, ......when can I cut the twine on my own time?

Spiritual Enlightenment Bust

I recently chose to undergo a new path to find a way to a spirituality all my own. Something earthy-based, that was more tangible and free-form.....not so constricting. This newer path (I wont mention) I probably SHOULDN'T have mentioned...to ANYONE! The people I thought would be the most supportive now seem to be looking down on me. (No I'm not sacrificing virgins or spilling goats blood in the name of some demonic force) but I have already been called a "tard" and asked about the "values" I will be passing to my children through this new found faith. To be quite honest,....I didn't see it necessary to drag my girls down this path with me. My kids were raised of knowing one god, and one satan, ten commandments, and one holy bible....and so it shall remain. My new quest is mine alone to take. And having science and the kinetic energy forces shoved down my throat as proof that such dieties do not exist doesn't seem to be waivering me this time since these teachings prove the same things. We are all made up of energies. It seems I have also become somewhat "absorbed" in this new search...a bad habit I have. Anytime I find something that interests me, I fling myself into it whole-heartedly. "Maybe in your path to spirituality you'll make time for everything else in your life." I want to retort, "I need this. As angry as you are with me about what is going on situationally, this has nothing to do with faith or religion..." but more then likely I will say this as I am peering up from my book of teachings. This ISN'T far from the truth. Although I haven't yet submersed myself in this religion itself, I HAVE spent many hours with my face buried in books, or on the computer doing extensive research on the subject. And although I truly believe I need this, I also believe this is a selfish move on my part. I WILL be chastised for this. If I am really going to peruse this, it will have to be in private. When no one is around, and on my own time. No one needs to know, and it should not be flaunted. Why present myself in such a way that will create vulnerability any more then I already have? There is so much about me that so many already know. I didn't intend to let others know as much as they do. I came here to "keep the mystery" and allow myself to sort of "start over." I wanted a second chance. I have yet to accomplish that. In few aspects, I have. I am no longer the angry, torn, scornful woman I once was. I don't deliberately start fist fights like a white trash gutter rat the way I once did. I don't purposely destroy property, (my own included) and although I've become more distant from my children then I once was, I don't allow them to be exposed to the things they once were. I suppose the distancing is mostly a guilt factor....that's for a different day though....but back to the subject of the religion....I want,...no....I feel I NEED the spiritual connection with SOMETHING....and the Christian God just isn't it....I feel like my ties with him have been severed. Maybe it's my sexuality. I don't feel the need to fight that. It's not a sin to have feelings for a woman. Why should it be? I don't want to be "loved" by a God who is so quick to cast me to hell for having feelings of attraction or even feelings of LOVE even if they are for someone of the same sex! Love is a terribly amazing and wonderful feeling, and how can you condemn someone to hell for loving? That seems hypocritical. He makes people that way, then asks you to do the worst thing possible.....to suppress it. Maybe it's that the Holy Bible is a book of "He-said She-Said" (And by the way- if you are reading this and are Christian- please DO NOT try to tell me why the Bible is correct, or why Christianity is "the way" .....this blog is of feeling, not of fact, and this is not in any way, shape or form an introduction to a religious debate....I DO NOT have the energy or the mind set for that right now- so if this offends you please just stop reading now!) and and there is no actual proof that any of it happened other then,...some people wrote stuff down.....I could write down a false life story right now and fifty years from now- someone could find it a worship me! Christianity is based off of blind faith. "God is all around us" ..."You have to trustingly put your life in his hands" ......"Trust him to guide you, and he will take care of you" I'm sorry, but I...and I alone.....am in charge of my destiny. God did not take me away from a domestically abusive relationship....I gathered that strength myself...would you like to know WHO gave me that strength??? My children. Plain and simple. But as far as ACTUAL spirituality..... thanks to the people around me who truly need me....remarks made and eyes placed upon me.....everyone will be happy to know...I am giving up on it altogether. My books are going on the bookshelf, I'm done. I can't stand to be mocked, and I can't handle having those around me who love me think that I am more concerned with myself then them. I will chose not to learn. I will chose not to pray, or meditate, .....No redes, rules, commandments,.... So when it comes down to it, and all the problems in their lives and mine,....I will depend on karma, or the chaotic universe, or a random series of events or WHATEVER the hell kind of force it is out there that forces us to drive in forward motion to continue pushing....and I will sit in solitary and do good for myself. So that the god, goddess, diety, muse,  or karma, or chakra, threefold law, rede, crede, rules, rites,  whatever it is, hopefully doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.