Those "heavy-hearted" sort of days are the hardest. And I can't seem to count all of the reasons swimming in my mind. The guilt seems to eat me alive. "Do something about it. Change it." Is the best advice I can get. This should be truly motivational. Moving. I should be oppositional defiant. Some days I am. On bad days, my outward attitude appears as though I am "apathetic" or "rolling over".....defeated. Uncaring. If they could only hear the thoughts being tossed around in this mind of mine. I can't physically force myself to do anything. Or I get a burst of energy, then as fast as it comes, it's gone again. I don't want to lose the beauty of what I have. The emotion...the story of day to day life. These are days I want to remember someday without regret. These thoughts run through my mind every single day. I have lived enough regretable days in my 24 years of life. I am old enough now to be able to make REAL impressions and still young enough to get started but can't even seem to move from where I now sit. My eyes fuzz over and refuse to focus. My hands fidget with anything my fingers come in contact with. Some days even words are far too complex for my brittle mind. My tongue toys in the strangest ways with words before finally releasing them from my mouth. It feels as though my body does it just to tease me. Letting me know that IT is in charge now. Not me. Someday I will force it to stand down. To relinquish control. For now...what else is there to do besides wait and enjoy he good days?
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