Still Waters

So many things wash over me on days like this. Like a tidal wave of anxiety that refuses to pass. Once one has subsided another comes crashing down on me. Feelings of inadequacy and helplessness overwhelm me. I know there's a dim light at the end of this tunnel but it seems to be flickering on and off teasing me with the concept that it is, in fact, really there. I want so bad to DO something. There must be someway to be more then I am. Occasionally, I truly believe this. More often then not I say it aloud simply as an attempt to convince myself of it's truth.
Anxiety mostly encircling my children. Having been in an abusive relationship with this man, I have found that over the past year, I have a lot of anger towards him for what he has done to me. a smart-mouthed comment from his three-year old daughter forces him to turn his aggression towards me and begin to point fingers as though I am the culprit. She chases poor little Bumble-cat around the house while he meows in protest and she yells "Bumble! I hate you face Bumble!" Apparently taking that particular phrase to her father was not the wisest of choices. But again, she's a three-year-old child with an attitude. Nothing that ever comes out of her mouth catches me by surprise...(except of course her newest rendition of "If you're Happy and You Know it")  I always have that split moment of guilt where I feel as if I did something wrong, (out of habit of course) followed by sheer rageful hatred and anger. I have to fight downs feelings of aggression and revenge. The overwhelming urges to give back to him what he did to me. I was never a person of retaliation, nor do I want to be. But occasionally his words stab me like a cold blade and the only thing I can do is lie down in a quiet place, do some deep breathing, and remember that no words I can shout at him will ever hurt him the way he did me. Breath in.......breath out.....close my eyes......focus on something beautiful....something calming.....my children....listen to the rain......music.....anything but this.....five years of verbal and physical abuse have manifested into a lifetime of pain and anguish. I will never be the same person I once was. He has seared himself into my mind....his actions,....his words.....I will never forgive....someday I will let go.....but never forgive. I want so bad for now to be the time to move on....but every single time my head begins to hurt,....my eyes begin to twitch....my speech is slurred, my hands fidget,....every time I take my anti-consultants, every time my children say "Mommy's seizing leave her alone" more gasoline is poured on my fire and my hatred burns for him. He is the reason I will never live a normal life. He is the reason my brain is slowly deteriorating. Most days I am perfectly capable of staying calm and collected....the surface is steady and peaceful.........don't step in though.....that under current could hurt.....