My Reluctantly Un-Normal Brain

It's absolutely amazing to me, the things a human can endure both physically and mentally. Just when you think you've hit your breaking point, something else gets thrown in your face and all of a sudden you're stronger then ever. The brain is quite possibly the most delicate part of the human body. Which is why it's cushioned by fluid and protected by the skull. The slightest little pin prick in the wrong section could cause a full-fledged turn around and a healthier you,....or your entire body to shut down. When a person breaks a bone, the entire body works to recover the fractured area back to full health, even if it's broken off in separate sections. The brain simply chooses to continue deteriorating. Some days are good. I feel like a fully functioning, well rounded adult. And some days I feel as though I have either slipped my way back to a toddler or been thrusted forward and forced into early senility far too soon. Phrases like "I just set my coffee down where the hell did it go?" or "You just told me to do something,...what was it?" or "what did I come into this room for again?" are becoming far too familiar to me. I want nothing more then to find comfort in my own thoughts and can't because these are not my own. And even if they are; I lose them all too quickly. I hate the fact that I am allowed to use this as an excuse even though it feels like mental retardation. (Yes, it's politically correct- look it up) And how much worse can it get before I'm drooling on myself and calling everyone "Mack"? I fear for myself, I fear for my children, I fear that I'm over complicating the situation and it doesn't have to be quite so climactic or dire. I tend to have this whole "oh-my-god-it's-the-end-of-the-world-my-life-is-over" outlook some days, and others it's the "I-can-overcome-anything-just-watch-me-fuckers" take on myself. There's days where I feel as though college is the best thing that's ever happened to me and others when I feel like I am wasting time and money destined to never remember any of the education I'm obtaining. The worst part is failing to articulate. My mind tells me the sentence I want to say but my tongue wont release it from my mouth. What should have been "Can you please pass my the salt?" becomes "Can you ple..ple...ple...ple" and ends with a growling noise due to frustration. And Ally interrupts with an "I got it...here." Someday I will get smart and hang a dry-erase board around my neck like a mute and write everything I want to say. Yes, today is a somewhat depressive day. I lack the ability to think of everything I have; happy healthy children, friends who love me for who I am, people who want to take care of me and help me adjust, the ability to say "I need" and have family or friends help me obtain it,....and inwardly and selfishly focus on the things I don't have; a driver's license, the ability to give my kids everything under the sun, the ability to enjoy a beer or glass of wine once in a while, the ability to go ONE DAY without some sort of medication, clothes that fit, glasses that work, dental coverage that doesn't say "you need a filling? Let's just pull that tooth", a job, a functioning memory, a functioning BRAIN!!! No, I am entirely selfish and far too concerned with my own problems today to worry about all the other problems I don't have. Thank god I don't have cancer, TB, hepatitis, HIV/AIDS, tumors, liver failure, diabetes......no instead today it's WHY OH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE EPILEPTIC?? Simply re-reading this entire entry I realize my mind hops quickly from one subject to another. I have edited this three times so it at least has the appearance of being a smooth transition but it still must be quite obvious to readers. So I will end this now before my head explodes and leaves brain matter splattered to the monitor. Off to take yet another medication and hope for a better day.