Drugs and Lack Thereof

If I had ever tried meth,....I would have surely been addicted. I find myself constantly searching for ways to make myself "feel" better. It doesn't matter if it's up or down....a stimulant or a relaxant. I have realized a pattern in myself with my seizure medications. The minute I start feeling one way or the other (usually exhausted and worn) I have the overwhelming urge to stop taking it. When I get too low....I want something to bring me up....when I get too high I want something to bring me back down. I am searching for the illusive "happy medium" I will surely never find. Now is the feeling of apathy caused by the Kepra interrupted occasionally by severe attacks of anxiety, irritability and sheer rage from the Vimpat. I'm easily manipulated into these emotions. If someone looks at me wrong,...I am instantly angry,....if everyone around me is stressed about kids, finances, cleanliness I instantaneously become depressed. If I had some sort of amphetamine in my hand at this moment,....I have no doubt I would consume it in a heartbeat. Which is why, I suppose, I prefer to avoid all drugs (illegal and legal) altogether. To avoid the inevitable catastrophe of my would-be life. There are only two reasons I have made it this far without it; their names are Kennedy and Cheyenne. That's all the motivation I need. Although with the Kepra moments creeping up on me like a snake it becomes increasingly difficult to do. The strangest idea to me is that I have never done any sort of drugs (other then marijuana occasionally as a teenager- who hasn't?) and yet I talk like a junkie in withdraws. How is it that I have such an addictive personality and despise everything I want to be addicted TO?  Depression is far too easily obtained now because of the medication I loathe. But apparently my brain and the cells that remain there are now chemically dependent on these medications to continue to thrive. If I'm too depressed....I now turn to anything natural I can find to bring me up. Vitamins. Anything beneficial to a lack of energy I will have. When I am too anxious or nervous or mad....I want the melatonin hiding in the back of the medicine cabinet to bring me down....although due to the obsessive fear of being brought too far down I refuse to take it altogether. Theoretically I shouldn't be able to function on my own thoughts and feelings alone. I'm too dependent on outside forces to enable these "feel-good" emotions. Who isn't nowadays? There is a medication for everything, and everything is a disease. That is my rant for today....now I must unwillingly use my own self-motivation to get off my ass and do something productive.
*For the record- I do not nor have I ever used illegal drugs....except marijuana which is at the moment debatably illegal...and it was about ten years ago....so NO I'm not a "pot head" "crack head" or suffer from "meth mouth" or whatever. Everyone has these feelings I believe...some give into it....some fight it......me? Depends on the day....the only drugs I'm truly "dependent" on is nicotine and caffeine and last time I checked coffee and cigarettes are legal. (Expensive...but legal)