It's not unusual for someone to think of themselves as their mental illness. More often then not you hear someone say phrases like "I am bipolar" or "I am depressed" or "I am schizophrenic" (just an example) but it's much harder to recognize that you are a person "with" these disorders. Inevitably my goal will be to unconsciously say "I am Kiera and I HAVE...." without having to stop and rehearse my sentence before spitting in out. This is suppose to be a step in the right direction for me because as long as I define myself AS my problem I am submerging who I really am further below the surface. A friend of mine recently said "Labels only hurt those who allow themselves to be labeled" of course at the time she was referring to my daughter whom I'm now convinced has ADHD. But because I don't want her individuality and personality traits be defined AS her problem....it will be a natural reaction of mine to say "This is my daughter, she HAS ADHD" whereas some may be prompted to use the phrase "I AM ADHD." I will teach her better from the get-go. There are many out there.....epileptic, diabetic, nymphomaniac, (yeah I threw that one in for my own amusement.) etc....it's far to easy to label yourself an "epileptic" first rather then "I have epilepsy" This is my long term goal now. To be able to characterize myself by my personality traits instead of by my physical or mental handicaps.
Anxiety- Anxiety is a term used to describe the frustration and worry one might feel usually related to stress. Anxiety means depression, depression means agitation and agitation means rage, and rage usually cycles back again to agitation. Well,....with a person with bipolar anyway. I've been diagnosed with this since I was ten and never fully understood. When the word "cycle" was used I thought of a washing machine. (True story) Rinse cycle. Stop. Wash cycle. Stop. Spin cycle. Stop. Recently I have discovered this is not the case. I've always had these emotions just never been quite so quick to suppress them until now. (Thank you Vimpat) I was the queen of misdirect.
"What's wrong Kiera?"
"Nothing...."
"You sure?"
"Hmmm? Yeah just stressed about school"
When realistically what I wanted to do was reach over the counter and rip my mother's head for no apparent reason at that moment other then she was breathing. Anyhoo....back to the cycles.....with something like this I never realized quite how much the emotions run into each other. Or how one emotion will lead to another. Most "normal" people can feel an emotion as simple as anger or sadness and have it be just that....anger and sadness.....then they get over it and go along their life just fine. My emotions tend to bleed together. Anger....anger leads to severe rage...rage to the point of shaking.....then because of the adrenaline pumping,...by the time my mind parts the clouds just a little bit, anxiety sets in. I become nervous, agitated, and worrisome over what the consequences of my actions might add up to.....then depression over the possible outcome and physical exhaustion from anger and anxiety. At this point I begin to think (irrationally) about being cast out by my friends and loved ones because of my actions....I begin to feel isolated (by my own doing) and get even more depressed over something that I BELIEVE MAY be happening....not over what has actually happened. Then people who are close to me point out that fact that I'm depressed over nothing....I have a wonderful life and beautiful children and don't "want" for anything which makes me angry at myself for feeling miserable and hating my life which leads back to...you guessed it....anger/irritability. Now my thoughts may seem rather pathetic to some.....and flat out pointless to others. All I can say is: You can change the thoughts in your head,....but you can't change the way you think them. All in all.....I'm damaged. <------(depression talking) I'm strong <-------(manic talking) I'm FUCKIN FINE <--------(Anger Talking) I'm scared <------(Anxiety talking)....and everything in between. There are several of me.....some of which only certain people have ever had the "privilege" of meeting. For those of you who haven't; congrats. For those of you who have; I'm so so sorry.
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