Passions Rising

I was asked to become passionate about something yesterday. "Anything" I was told. "Write a novel, take more photos, whatever!" At a very weak moment in my life, when all hell seems to be spiraling slowly out of my control, and I've yet to hit the eye of the storm, I've been asked to find passion.

So here is some passion for all of you....
       My daughter is about to turn ten. She has the same mental illness as her mother, and everyday it shows a little more. I am struggling to maintain a connection with her, but either one or the other of us severs this link on any given day, and fire rains from the skies in an apocalyptic type storm that lasts for days, sometimes weeks of "Oh my god what are you staring at, and what do you want from me???" She's failing school, which makes me feel like a bigger failure as a mother because I was never a bad student until I got into middle school and made the personal choice to become one during a series of very poor life events, and I fear she is doing the same. She's becoming hormonal, and pre-teeney and all around, some days, unbearable. How do you say out loud without being crippled by guilt, "Hey, there are just some days when I can't stand my own kid!" (Even though, realistically you are fully aware that every parent has to have either gone through this or will go through this at some point during their kids' lives.)
         My other child has severe hyperactivity and JIA. You might be inclined to think "Oh, poor kid", but no. The girl's ADHD causes her pain tolerance to be off the charts, so she's constantly on the go, and her mouth never stops. Sometimes, I just want to stick her in an empty room with bare walls so she can talk to her own echo for a few hours and make herself insane. And then more guilt for having such thoughts....
        My seizures are worse now then they were due to recent flare-ups of my own RA, poly cystic ovaries, and lack of sleep because of my extremely high levels of anxiety. I have been in a permanent state of depression for sometime now that I am only able to suppress for short periods at a time when some outside force sucks me into temporary mania. Or when I am able to (unhealthily) "piggyback" myself onto the good feelings of others and ride those until they come crashing back down again taking me with them. All sending me spiraling into a gaping pit of epilepsy.
       My relationships with others are suffering because of all of this. My children have "no home training" (or so it would appear) my epilepsy and depression and pain make me anti-social, and me being so tuned-in to others around me make me a generalized sad-sack.

        Where is my passion? My passion is in the rage I feel for having no money. The frustration I feel for my kids. The knot in my stomach for every seizure I have. The feeling of wanting to choke someone out everytime they ask me a stupid fucking question like, "Where's your passion?"

I want for my family, for my friends. Yes I could combat all of this and take on the fucking world.....but I'm no Lance Armstrong, and I don't "do" long-term as far as hobbies are concerned. Yes I have been a writer, a photographer, a lyricist, a vocalist, a house-mom, a culinary artist, and many others!! Because I have had many interests over my 25 years of life.  When my fucking "passion" strikes,....I'll take it for what it is.....but when it's gone,.....appreciate it for what it was,...what it always has been. Fleeting. I'll never be anything more than flighty, flaky, and unwavering. Someday I'll find something else to be fucking "PASSIONATE" about.....but know this going in.....IT WONT FUCKING LAST!!
Until then.....you shouldn't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to....