Neurotic Ramblings

Today is most definitely a "poor pitiful me" day. Every one seems a little agitated with me as I have been at a disconnect lately with all but one. My decision making skills are lacking still.I have fallen back on my arse down that slippery slope known as "co-dependence" and allowed myself to project my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety onto those around me. I have become neurotic and compulsive in my need to satisfy, and suffocated one while neglecting the other. Such is the plight of the Bi-polar co-dependent. I must say for an otherwise mentally healthy co-dependant, it must be a nightmare. I have the inability due to bi-polar to be able to focus on multiple things at one time, and sometimes hone in on one "over-focused" subject and do it until it kills me. For a normal person, co-dependance is the obsessive need to please everyone at once.....I would likely off myself. This would probably be better for everyone else, just not me.
I haven't been doing my meditation like I'm suppose too....*slaps own wrist* BAD MYOTONIC GOAT-GIRL!! In-part due to not having time period, and partially due to not having time alone and being embarrassed by the process it requires. Smart remarks and wise-cracks make me just not want to do it at all. Ally says to "Own that shit" ....easier said then done. I don't know why it's such a sensitive subject for me. Make fun of the hair on my back, the unusual length of my toes, the size of my nose, my crooked teeth,....most likely I will laugh too and blame my genetics with a, "those fuckers!!" but for something that is so comfortable to me, it is still an uneasy subject matter to talk about my meditation techniques and beliefs. It's mostly the way in which it's done too, I suppose. Agitated, hostile, and almost angry and defensive. Like how dare I think freely and believe something different that's so out there??
So many reasons for deflection of emotion. This trip has me on edge. There has been alot of "up and down" with my family over the last year and a half. One huge blow-out, followed by a make-up, followed by little bouts of disagreements here and there and only hearing from them occasionally.....and now I am going to see them. I have an extremely high level of anxiety over that. My daughter's mental issues, that (was pointed out to me this morning) should have been taken care of over the summer while I could watch her reactions to medications....(of course I didn't think of that....why would I?? Now she gets to wait for school to start because we had "too much chaos going on this summer") her father who can't come get her, wont come get her, wants to fight, then wants to be friends again, the little one just plain being four years old, the potential photographic opportunities I'm letting slip through my fingers, the financial bull shit that I haven't even begun to take care of REALLY, all of that and trying to cope with my own mental issues and NOT HAVE SEIZURE ACTIVITY BECAUSE GOD FORBID I SHOULD START TO TWITCH!! I have swept it under the rug for the last few weeks,....and today that rug is being trampled. Little by little particles of my muck are flying out. So now I suppose I'm going to just sit back and wait for an elephant to come tromping through and taking the damn rug with him, exposing all my dirty little secrets.......I may boil over....wish me luck....