Spiritual Enlightenment Bust

I recently chose to undergo a new path to find a way to a spirituality all my own. Something earthy-based, that was more tangible and free-form.....not so constricting. This newer path (I wont mention) I probably SHOULDN'T have mentioned...to ANYONE! The people I thought would be the most supportive now seem to be looking down on me. (No I'm not sacrificing virgins or spilling goats blood in the name of some demonic force) but I have already been called a "tard" and asked about the "values" I will be passing to my children through this new found faith. To be quite honest,....I didn't see it necessary to drag my girls down this path with me. My kids were raised of knowing one god, and one satan, ten commandments, and one holy bible....and so it shall remain. My new quest is mine alone to take. And having science and the kinetic energy forces shoved down my throat as proof that such dieties do not exist doesn't seem to be waivering me this time since these teachings prove the same things. We are all made up of energies. It seems I have also become somewhat "absorbed" in this new search...a bad habit I have. Anytime I find something that interests me, I fling myself into it whole-heartedly. "Maybe in your path to spirituality you'll make time for everything else in your life." I want to retort, "I need this. As angry as you are with me about what is going on situationally, this has nothing to do with faith or religion..." but more then likely I will say this as I am peering up from my book of teachings. This ISN'T far from the truth. Although I haven't yet submersed myself in this religion itself, I HAVE spent many hours with my face buried in books, or on the computer doing extensive research on the subject. And although I truly believe I need this, I also believe this is a selfish move on my part. I WILL be chastised for this. If I am really going to peruse this, it will have to be in private. When no one is around, and on my own time. No one needs to know, and it should not be flaunted. Why present myself in such a way that will create vulnerability any more then I already have? There is so much about me that so many already know. I didn't intend to let others know as much as they do. I came here to "keep the mystery" and allow myself to sort of "start over." I wanted a second chance. I have yet to accomplish that. In few aspects, I have. I am no longer the angry, torn, scornful woman I once was. I don't deliberately start fist fights like a white trash gutter rat the way I once did. I don't purposely destroy property, (my own included) and although I've become more distant from my children then I once was, I don't allow them to be exposed to the things they once were. I suppose the distancing is mostly a guilt factor....that's for a different day though....but back to the subject of the religion....I want,...no....I feel I NEED the spiritual connection with SOMETHING....and the Christian God just isn't it....I feel like my ties with him have been severed. Maybe it's my sexuality. I don't feel the need to fight that. It's not a sin to have feelings for a woman. Why should it be? I don't want to be "loved" by a God who is so quick to cast me to hell for having feelings of attraction or even feelings of LOVE even if they are for someone of the same sex! Love is a terribly amazing and wonderful feeling, and how can you condemn someone to hell for loving? That seems hypocritical. He makes people that way, then asks you to do the worst thing possible.....to suppress it. Maybe it's that the Holy Bible is a book of "He-said She-Said" (And by the way- if you are reading this and are Christian- please DO NOT try to tell me why the Bible is correct, or why Christianity is "the way" .....this blog is of feeling, not of fact, and this is not in any way, shape or form an introduction to a religious debate....I DO NOT have the energy or the mind set for that right now- so if this offends you please just stop reading now!) and and there is no actual proof that any of it happened other then,...some people wrote stuff down.....I could write down a false life story right now and fifty years from now- someone could find it a worship me! Christianity is based off of blind faith. "God is all around us" ..."You have to trustingly put your life in his hands" ......"Trust him to guide you, and he will take care of you" I'm sorry, but I...and I alone.....am in charge of my destiny. God did not take me away from a domestically abusive relationship....I gathered that strength myself...would you like to know WHO gave me that strength??? My children. Plain and simple. But as far as ACTUAL spirituality..... thanks to the people around me who truly need me....remarks made and eyes placed upon me.....everyone will be happy to know...I am giving up on it altogether. My books are going on the bookshelf, I'm done. I can't stand to be mocked, and I can't handle having those around me who love me think that I am more concerned with myself then them. I will chose not to learn. I will chose not to pray, or meditate, .....No redes, rules, commandments,.... So when it comes down to it, and all the problems in their lives and mine,....I will depend on karma, or the chaotic universe, or a random series of events or WHATEVER the hell kind of force it is out there that forces us to drive in forward motion to continue pushing....and I will sit in solitary and do good for myself. So that the god, goddess, diety, muse,  or karma, or chakra, threefold law, rede, crede, rules, rites,  whatever it is, hopefully doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

The Dating Game & Why I'm Not Playing

So over the last few months I've had a LOT of people ask me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or tell me, "I know this REALLY cute guy I think you'd LOVE!" It's either wondering why I'm not attached or an overly-concerned friend/family member attempting to play match-maker for me. It's nothing personal to them, just simple curiosity. So for all my wonderful, beautiful, amazingly great friends who just want to help; here are my top 3 reasons why I'm not dating just so we are clear:
#3. I have ex issues. Not "Ma baby daddy and me is in looooove" ex issues, but psychotic, obsessive, abusive ex issues. I handle things the way I see fit and men don't generally like the way I do. Most men want to go Jean Claude Van Damme status on him and all that does is infuriate me and create even more issues. They don't like the way I do things, and I will have issues with someone who tries to step in and try to play Mister Tough Guy "I'm gonna whoop his ass" after I've dealt with this for years and years. I know how to handle my own. I'm a big girl. End of story.
#2. I have medical problems. The list of medical problems could go on for days, but I will limit this to the major problems. Frontal lobe seizure disorder. I have severe memory problems. I wont remember his birthday. I wont remember to lock the doors. I wont remember date nights. It's gonna happen, and his feelings WOULD get hurt because of it. My seizures are uncontrolled and because of that; I am self-conscious. I can't go many places on a date, and the places I CAN go can't be very far away from a place where I can lay down to complete a convulsive seizure. (And no a vehicle is not a good place to do this I've tried. Bruising on  my forehead sucks the next day) I claw chunks out of my chest, I stay tired and exhausted ALL the time, I'm generally heavily medicated,....i.e. bad for boyfriend. Because of the seizures and Bipolar (yet another medical/mental issue I deal with) I often deal with long periods of depression. I have to force myself to get out of bed. I DO get out of bed, but it's very difficult. I hate wearing make-up during these times, I dress in sweats or work-out clothes, my hair is usually in a messy bun...I feel very unattractive and unappealing therefore I AM. Therein again: bad for boyfriend. Last medical problem I am going to cover for now is that because of the seizures and during times of depression, my immune system is extremely susceptible to any and every cough, cold, runny nose, stomach virus, body ache, etc, etc, etc....therefore I am CONSTANTLY sick....wrecked much? And not in the nasty whore sense though...
#1. Number and most important reason why I'm not dating: I have two beautiful children. Over the course of the last five or six years, my oldest child especially has been put through hell and back. My kids have seen one particular man mistreat me. My older daughter would be neglected by him, then in a weak feeble attempt at an apology (without an actual apology) he would buy her off to make her feel better. They have had friends come into their lives and show great amounts of affection and then disappear without a second thought. My children deserve better then that. I refuse to allow anyone to come close to them again anytime soon. It will be a LONG time before anyone comes close enough to hurt my kids.

So by now I hope you all understand. I have many guy friends that I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with and being friends. And the next time any of you try to play match maker refer to this prior to telling me how "cute" we will look together or how "much in common" we have. I love having men in my life. I get along with them better then I ever have women. And the guys that I talk to all have things in common with my tastes. So please, don't take this to heart, I love all of you ladies....you are all my dearest friends....but I simply have too much going on in my life right now. Too many complications. There are too many days where even I can't handle all my baggage. Why would I ask someone else to take it on too?
And for the record- some of you have mentioned the phrase "booty call"...as funny as it is (I am laughing as I write this :P) and as much as I joke about it; it's not me....I couldn't just pick a random stranger and hit them up for meaningless sex once in a while. It's not me. It IS a fun topic to laugh about just because sex is my favorite topic to poke fun at (because it makes people uncomfortable which is what I do best) but regardless of what the "good people" of Corcoran have said about me I won't do it.

It's Not Tea Brewing

Clouded hazes seem to be the best ways to mimic happiness for most people. (Myself included.) For anyone who reads my facebook staus the phrase "hidey hole" will appear occasionally from time to time. That is my little "happy bubble"...or at least my guarded wall. I have been dubbed "the bunny rabbit" because rather then confront problems head on at the time of their happening, I take my furry little ass into my "hidey hole" and stew in it. Or so it is to be believed. I think my therapist had at one point, actually put it best when she said; "Some people are percolators, they have to simmer and brew over thoughts and situations before coming up with answers." I'm often times put on the spot. "How do you feel about this?" or "There's a million things going through your head right now...start talking" When realistically, my mind is entirely blank because everything has been put on the back burner to simmer for the time being. It's not for the sake of my own self-preservation, or to maintain my little "happy bubble" but rather for the fact that somethings make take a few hours for me to process,...some may take months. When forced into giving answers on the spot I often come up with some bullshit answer that I may, at the time, believe to be true but upon later inspection realize how off I was. Later on I may come back to the same conversation or argument with a different answer, and feel like I had unintentionally lied or misled the other person the first time around, when in all actuality, I simply hadn't had enough time to think it through enough to clear out all the other meaningless nonsense that came along with it. There is usually a very simple base point that comes with every conversation or answer. A one-sentence, non-complex determination of what it all "boils down to." Followed by a long detailed descriptive reasoning of "why" it is this way. The filtering process is the hard part for me. I think most people don't bother with it to begin with. They allow emotions to run them and let themselves speak passionately about their perspectives based on sheer feeling and guttural instinct. Maybe that's why I "simmer" ...occasionally I do that too. Everyone does,...has...will....but for the most part....when someone comes to me with such strong emotional dealings,....I want to be able to sit and consider theirs first. Take in the problem as a whole. Filter out the pointless, useless details, consider in my own TRUE feelings, (not the IMMEDIATE responding feelings, but the TRUE feelings) and come up with a valid response. It frustrates people to have conversation with me. We may have the same conversation many times over the course of a year for these reasons, and every time we speak the conversation may slightly alter in a different direction. Or, if I'm bull-headed enough it may be the same argument repeatedly. But for the most part, every time the conversation is had, or the argument is made, a small notable piece of information that I hadn't been privy to prior to that slips off their tongue and becomes yet another changing factor in the filtering process making it drag out even longer for me to finally come to a conclusion. The bigger the issue, the longer the wait.     
For those of you who have encountered this problem with me; I'm sorry...and now you understand.
For those of you who haven't: try using this method once in a while. It takes longer, but occasionally it takes away the exhaustion of feeding raw emotion and allows you to dig a little deeper..
Although I DO NOT recommend making this a habit.....it really does irritate the hell out of your loved ones.

Masquerade

Wearing a perfect masque is only half of the battle. Keeping it maintained and looking proper without allowing it to crack and the true pain to show through is the more challenging task at hand. I was once able to do so. I held my head high, smiled, and endured my pain in silence. The only tears I shed were a few in the privacy of my living room at night when everyone else had gone to sleep. I raised my children alone. I have now been encourage to remove my masque. And have. I have to admit, at times...it's freeing. I feel lighter knowing I don't have to carry burdens alone. Seeing the events of the past few weeks, I think now it's time to Spackle that bastard back on my face. I don't want "sounding board friends" I've been one for many people. The friend that has to sit there and listen to someone's entire week, smile and nod and not get a word in edge wise. The one who never gets asked "how are you doing" the friend who is never on someone's priority list.....I have BEEN that friend. I don't want one of those. I would rather not talk at all then to vent to someone who sits, nods and walks away. Seizures be damned, I need to find my own way to cope with things other then speaking about it. I would call them "annoyances" in my life but I'm afraid that it's more then that.....there are certain things (and people) who don't seem to understand that the amount of frustration and pain they are purposely causing are quite literally going to be the death of me...and don't seem to care. Ally put it best... I'm playing Russian roulette and my particular "stresses" are the bullets. The more bullets I have in the gun, the less of a chance I have of walking away. This is NOT exactly a metaphor, sadly. SUDEP - Death in Epilepsy The more seizures I have, the higher the risk of SUDEP. So for all intense purposes, I have a gun pointed at my head and the mother fucker is loaded......my kids dads...(YES BOTH OF YOU GUYS)...not being able to work, trying to take care of my kids, getting frustrated because I cant remember things, etc etc etc......are all bullets in the gun for me......how many can I possibly load in the damn thing without brain matter being splattered on the wall? (Or at least what's left of my brain matter...) Or even worse...(yes this is worse:) becoming mentally incapable of taking care of myself and my kids, or becoming a vegetable....I DON'T EVEN LIKE BROCCOLI!!

So for the record this may be the last time my actually "feelings" are openly and honestly expressed and in simple form; here they are:
Fear
Anger
Resentment
Disappointment
Depression
Inadequacy
Good old-fashioned Fucked-up

My Own Artistic Expression

"Finding new outlets" has been my new goal. Thanks to Paul and Ally I have now been allowed to rekindle an old passion for photography. Taking photographs in and of itself provides not only an artistic outlet, but a therapeutic level of stress release. Photo editing; playing with contrast, lighting, effects, grain, etc...forces my mind to work on a more intelligible level that I currently believe it lacks. Writing and photography are currently going to be my two main focuses for a sort of "escape" out of seizure activity. Due to the fact that they are neurological, this may not work 100% of the time, but if using these expressive means to prevent even one a week, or calm seizure type activity once in a while will help slow the deteriorating process. The last few days have been more of a "playtime" activity...learning to use the bulky camera began as a sort of chore but is quickly becoming an adventure. I can't remember the last time I opened my eyes to the world around me like this. It's a feeling I really only get with a camera or a pen and paper in my hand. If I am photographing, or writing a descriptive piece, I tend to notice the most beautiful and odd details at the same time. My grandma's house was always a place of curiosity for me with my cameras. The oldest most antiqued looked objects sit there. Rust and vegetation coated vehicles, chains, tractors, fences...I don't know why but things like that capture my interest more then anything. It's extremely stereotypical, but it's the "beauty and the beast" type visual. Rusted old tractor tires, worn and dirt covered with the greenest blades of grass growing up around it. Or cobwebbed, oiled chains hanging against a newly painted white fence. Old car parts, tools,...and that's only in the back! I am tempted someday to venture into the garage when grandpa's not there and take some of his hot rods for him!! It's even more of an amazing thing to share. Today I had the pleasure of spending some time in the back with my beautiful daughter. I explained to her about contrasting shapes, textures,....solid backgrounds with busy foregrounds, dark and plain colored objects surrounded with bright vibrancy. My baby catches on quickly to few things, I admit, but quickly it became, "Hey mommy! How about this?!" and "Look at your old bike with the weeds!!" I could've spent hours out there with her, had it just been us. I have been photographing since I got my very first camera at seven. I began telling stories through pictures at age ten. Whether it be what truly happened in them, or making up my own as I go. (Sometimes fiction is simply more interesting; we all know this!) For the most part I stuck to disposable cameras and later on, cheap digital. Which, as I'm sure you can all understand, is why I'm so excited now. This is the first time I could every truly start expressing myself this way. I find the prospect of being able to start a chronological photographic memoir (so to speak) of my life. Along with blogs, digital journal entries, fact and fictional stories, songs and poetry to go along with it. So when the the comes, and I pass.....the last thing my children my could ever say is "What was my mother's life like?"   

Random thoughts and a Ship with no Captain

Those "heavy-hearted" sort of days are the hardest. And I can't seem to count all of the reasons swimming in my mind. The guilt seems to eat me alive. "Do something about it. Change it." Is the best advice I can get. This should be truly motivational. Moving. I should be oppositional defiant. Some days I am. On bad days, my outward attitude appears as though I am "apathetic" or "rolling over".....defeated. Uncaring. If they could only hear the thoughts being tossed around in this mind of mine. I can't physically force myself to do anything. Or I get a burst of energy,  then as fast as it comes, it's gone again. I don't want to lose the beauty of what I have. The emotion...the story of day to day life. These are days I want to remember someday without regret. These thoughts run through my mind every single day. I have lived enough regretable days in my 24 years of life. I am old enough now to be able to make REAL impressions and still young enough to get started but can't even seem to move from where I now sit. My eyes fuzz over and refuse to focus. My hands fidget with anything my fingers come in contact with. Some days even words are far too complex for my brittle mind. My tongue toys in the strangest ways with words before finally releasing them from my mouth. It feels as though my body does it just to tease me. Letting me know that IT is in charge now. Not me. Someday I will force it to stand down. To relinquish control. For now...what else is there to do besides wait and enjoy he good days?

Humor in Bat Shit Crazy

Emotional drama is about an angry bitch today. I've never been the type of woman who went looking for gossip or who wanted the latest scoop on the "Oh-Em-Gee!! BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT he-said she-said" bull shit....occasionally, however, drama pimp slaps me clean across the face. Screams, tears, laughs, and numbness all in one day. You could blame it on a thousand and one things today and I would say "yes that's it." Because, yes, that is it! EUREKA!!*  But the problem is "yes!" is the answer to everything. I was angry because of (insert random stupid reasons). I was hysterically crying because of (insert another random stupid cry-baby reason). It all sounds right, it all feels right,....and it all towers above me on days like today. Lashing out at those who love me and are trying their best to help me is not a norm for me. (Although occasionally I think about peeing in their cheerios) It became another one of those "HOLY SHIT! WHO IS THIS MONSTER OF A WOMAN LIVING IN MY SKIN AND WHY CAN'T SHE AT LEAST BRING ME A NICER RACK?!" days. (Ok I totally think this bitch owes me AT LEAST that) I'm not usually THAT quick to pop the ANGRY BOSS macro. (Usually better at misdirect! /cast MD on the dude next door, the mailman  or the freaking dog for all I give a shit anyone to keep my omen meeter from popping!!!)  Not usually so fast to point fingers and blame and play the guilt card. But occasionally I get to go all RAAAAWR KIERA SMASH and then twenty minutes later look around me at the path of destruction I've left behind and the only thought that comes to mind is.. "Ahhh fuck....I MAY have over-reacted slightly....my bad guys!"

As you read through this particular blog it's pretty easy to chuckle....to "omg" or "lol" ...truth be told....I made this one to make myself feel better. I wanted a laugh at my own expense so I wouldn't have to face reality. (Which seems to be my go-to nowadays.) I'm afraid. I'm emotional. I'm anxious. I don't know what I did. What I'm doing. What TO do. What it boils down to is this:
I am only human. And every human has a breaking point.