The Dating Game & Why I'm Not Playing

So over the last few months I've had a LOT of people ask me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or tell me, "I know this REALLY cute guy I think you'd LOVE!" It's either wondering why I'm not attached or an overly-concerned friend/family member attempting to play match-maker for me. It's nothing personal to them, just simple curiosity. So for all my wonderful, beautiful, amazingly great friends who just want to help; here are my top 3 reasons why I'm not dating just so we are clear:
#3. I have ex issues. Not "Ma baby daddy and me is in looooove" ex issues, but psychotic, obsessive, abusive ex issues. I handle things the way I see fit and men don't generally like the way I do. Most men want to go Jean Claude Van Damme status on him and all that does is infuriate me and create even more issues. They don't like the way I do things, and I will have issues with someone who tries to step in and try to play Mister Tough Guy "I'm gonna whoop his ass" after I've dealt with this for years and years. I know how to handle my own. I'm a big girl. End of story.
#2. I have medical problems. The list of medical problems could go on for days, but I will limit this to the major problems. Frontal lobe seizure disorder. I have severe memory problems. I wont remember his birthday. I wont remember to lock the doors. I wont remember date nights. It's gonna happen, and his feelings WOULD get hurt because of it. My seizures are uncontrolled and because of that; I am self-conscious. I can't go many places on a date, and the places I CAN go can't be very far away from a place where I can lay down to complete a convulsive seizure. (And no a vehicle is not a good place to do this I've tried. Bruising on  my forehead sucks the next day) I claw chunks out of my chest, I stay tired and exhausted ALL the time, I'm generally heavily medicated,....i.e. bad for boyfriend. Because of the seizures and Bipolar (yet another medical/mental issue I deal with) I often deal with long periods of depression. I have to force myself to get out of bed. I DO get out of bed, but it's very difficult. I hate wearing make-up during these times, I dress in sweats or work-out clothes, my hair is usually in a messy bun...I feel very unattractive and unappealing therefore I AM. Therein again: bad for boyfriend. Last medical problem I am going to cover for now is that because of the seizures and during times of depression, my immune system is extremely susceptible to any and every cough, cold, runny nose, stomach virus, body ache, etc, etc, etc....therefore I am CONSTANTLY sick....wrecked much? And not in the nasty whore sense though...
#1. Number and most important reason why I'm not dating: I have two beautiful children. Over the course of the last five or six years, my oldest child especially has been put through hell and back. My kids have seen one particular man mistreat me. My older daughter would be neglected by him, then in a weak feeble attempt at an apology (without an actual apology) he would buy her off to make her feel better. They have had friends come into their lives and show great amounts of affection and then disappear without a second thought. My children deserve better then that. I refuse to allow anyone to come close to them again anytime soon. It will be a LONG time before anyone comes close enough to hurt my kids.

So by now I hope you all understand. I have many guy friends that I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with and being friends. And the next time any of you try to play match maker refer to this prior to telling me how "cute" we will look together or how "much in common" we have. I love having men in my life. I get along with them better then I ever have women. And the guys that I talk to all have things in common with my tastes. So please, don't take this to heart, I love all of you ladies....you are all my dearest friends....but I simply have too much going on in my life right now. Too many complications. There are too many days where even I can't handle all my baggage. Why would I ask someone else to take it on too?
And for the record- some of you have mentioned the phrase "booty call"...as funny as it is (I am laughing as I write this :P) and as much as I joke about it; it's not me....I couldn't just pick a random stranger and hit them up for meaningless sex once in a while. It's not me. It IS a fun topic to laugh about just because sex is my favorite topic to poke fun at (because it makes people uncomfortable which is what I do best) but regardless of what the "good people" of Corcoran have said about me I won't do it.

It's Not Tea Brewing

Clouded hazes seem to be the best ways to mimic happiness for most people. (Myself included.) For anyone who reads my facebook staus the phrase "hidey hole" will appear occasionally from time to time. That is my little "happy bubble"...or at least my guarded wall. I have been dubbed "the bunny rabbit" because rather then confront problems head on at the time of their happening, I take my furry little ass into my "hidey hole" and stew in it. Or so it is to be believed. I think my therapist had at one point, actually put it best when she said; "Some people are percolators, they have to simmer and brew over thoughts and situations before coming up with answers." I'm often times put on the spot. "How do you feel about this?" or "There's a million things going through your head right now...start talking" When realistically, my mind is entirely blank because everything has been put on the back burner to simmer for the time being. It's not for the sake of my own self-preservation, or to maintain my little "happy bubble" but rather for the fact that somethings make take a few hours for me to process,...some may take months. When forced into giving answers on the spot I often come up with some bullshit answer that I may, at the time, believe to be true but upon later inspection realize how off I was. Later on I may come back to the same conversation or argument with a different answer, and feel like I had unintentionally lied or misled the other person the first time around, when in all actuality, I simply hadn't had enough time to think it through enough to clear out all the other meaningless nonsense that came along with it. There is usually a very simple base point that comes with every conversation or answer. A one-sentence, non-complex determination of what it all "boils down to." Followed by a long detailed descriptive reasoning of "why" it is this way. The filtering process is the hard part for me. I think most people don't bother with it to begin with. They allow emotions to run them and let themselves speak passionately about their perspectives based on sheer feeling and guttural instinct. Maybe that's why I "simmer" ...occasionally I do that too. Everyone does,...has...will....but for the most part....when someone comes to me with such strong emotional dealings,....I want to be able to sit and consider theirs first. Take in the problem as a whole. Filter out the pointless, useless details, consider in my own TRUE feelings, (not the IMMEDIATE responding feelings, but the TRUE feelings) and come up with a valid response. It frustrates people to have conversation with me. We may have the same conversation many times over the course of a year for these reasons, and every time we speak the conversation may slightly alter in a different direction. Or, if I'm bull-headed enough it may be the same argument repeatedly. But for the most part, every time the conversation is had, or the argument is made, a small notable piece of information that I hadn't been privy to prior to that slips off their tongue and becomes yet another changing factor in the filtering process making it drag out even longer for me to finally come to a conclusion. The bigger the issue, the longer the wait.     
For those of you who have encountered this problem with me; I'm sorry...and now you understand.
For those of you who haven't: try using this method once in a while. It takes longer, but occasionally it takes away the exhaustion of feeding raw emotion and allows you to dig a little deeper..
Although I DO NOT recommend making this a habit.....it really does irritate the hell out of your loved ones.

Masquerade

Wearing a perfect masque is only half of the battle. Keeping it maintained and looking proper without allowing it to crack and the true pain to show through is the more challenging task at hand. I was once able to do so. I held my head high, smiled, and endured my pain in silence. The only tears I shed were a few in the privacy of my living room at night when everyone else had gone to sleep. I raised my children alone. I have now been encourage to remove my masque. And have. I have to admit, at times...it's freeing. I feel lighter knowing I don't have to carry burdens alone. Seeing the events of the past few weeks, I think now it's time to Spackle that bastard back on my face. I don't want "sounding board friends" I've been one for many people. The friend that has to sit there and listen to someone's entire week, smile and nod and not get a word in edge wise. The one who never gets asked "how are you doing" the friend who is never on someone's priority list.....I have BEEN that friend. I don't want one of those. I would rather not talk at all then to vent to someone who sits, nods and walks away. Seizures be damned, I need to find my own way to cope with things other then speaking about it. I would call them "annoyances" in my life but I'm afraid that it's more then that.....there are certain things (and people) who don't seem to understand that the amount of frustration and pain they are purposely causing are quite literally going to be the death of me...and don't seem to care. Ally put it best... I'm playing Russian roulette and my particular "stresses" are the bullets. The more bullets I have in the gun, the less of a chance I have of walking away. This is NOT exactly a metaphor, sadly. SUDEP - Death in Epilepsy The more seizures I have, the higher the risk of SUDEP. So for all intense purposes, I have a gun pointed at my head and the mother fucker is loaded......my kids dads...(YES BOTH OF YOU GUYS)...not being able to work, trying to take care of my kids, getting frustrated because I cant remember things, etc etc etc......are all bullets in the gun for me......how many can I possibly load in the damn thing without brain matter being splattered on the wall? (Or at least what's left of my brain matter...) Or even worse...(yes this is worse:) becoming mentally incapable of taking care of myself and my kids, or becoming a vegetable....I DON'T EVEN LIKE BROCCOLI!!

So for the record this may be the last time my actually "feelings" are openly and honestly expressed and in simple form; here they are:
Fear
Anger
Resentment
Disappointment
Depression
Inadequacy
Good old-fashioned Fucked-up

My Own Artistic Expression

"Finding new outlets" has been my new goal. Thanks to Paul and Ally I have now been allowed to rekindle an old passion for photography. Taking photographs in and of itself provides not only an artistic outlet, but a therapeutic level of stress release. Photo editing; playing with contrast, lighting, effects, grain, etc...forces my mind to work on a more intelligible level that I currently believe it lacks. Writing and photography are currently going to be my two main focuses for a sort of "escape" out of seizure activity. Due to the fact that they are neurological, this may not work 100% of the time, but if using these expressive means to prevent even one a week, or calm seizure type activity once in a while will help slow the deteriorating process. The last few days have been more of a "playtime" activity...learning to use the bulky camera began as a sort of chore but is quickly becoming an adventure. I can't remember the last time I opened my eyes to the world around me like this. It's a feeling I really only get with a camera or a pen and paper in my hand. If I am photographing, or writing a descriptive piece, I tend to notice the most beautiful and odd details at the same time. My grandma's house was always a place of curiosity for me with my cameras. The oldest most antiqued looked objects sit there. Rust and vegetation coated vehicles, chains, tractors, fences...I don't know why but things like that capture my interest more then anything. It's extremely stereotypical, but it's the "beauty and the beast" type visual. Rusted old tractor tires, worn and dirt covered with the greenest blades of grass growing up around it. Or cobwebbed, oiled chains hanging against a newly painted white fence. Old car parts, tools,...and that's only in the back! I am tempted someday to venture into the garage when grandpa's not there and take some of his hot rods for him!! It's even more of an amazing thing to share. Today I had the pleasure of spending some time in the back with my beautiful daughter. I explained to her about contrasting shapes, textures,....solid backgrounds with busy foregrounds, dark and plain colored objects surrounded with bright vibrancy. My baby catches on quickly to few things, I admit, but quickly it became, "Hey mommy! How about this?!" and "Look at your old bike with the weeds!!" I could've spent hours out there with her, had it just been us. I have been photographing since I got my very first camera at seven. I began telling stories through pictures at age ten. Whether it be what truly happened in them, or making up my own as I go. (Sometimes fiction is simply more interesting; we all know this!) For the most part I stuck to disposable cameras and later on, cheap digital. Which, as I'm sure you can all understand, is why I'm so excited now. This is the first time I could every truly start expressing myself this way. I find the prospect of being able to start a chronological photographic memoir (so to speak) of my life. Along with blogs, digital journal entries, fact and fictional stories, songs and poetry to go along with it. So when the the comes, and I pass.....the last thing my children my could ever say is "What was my mother's life like?"   

Random thoughts and a Ship with no Captain

Those "heavy-hearted" sort of days are the hardest. And I can't seem to count all of the reasons swimming in my mind. The guilt seems to eat me alive. "Do something about it. Change it." Is the best advice I can get. This should be truly motivational. Moving. I should be oppositional defiant. Some days I am. On bad days, my outward attitude appears as though I am "apathetic" or "rolling over".....defeated. Uncaring. If they could only hear the thoughts being tossed around in this mind of mine. I can't physically force myself to do anything. Or I get a burst of energy,  then as fast as it comes, it's gone again. I don't want to lose the beauty of what I have. The emotion...the story of day to day life. These are days I want to remember someday without regret. These thoughts run through my mind every single day. I have lived enough regretable days in my 24 years of life. I am old enough now to be able to make REAL impressions and still young enough to get started but can't even seem to move from where I now sit. My eyes fuzz over and refuse to focus. My hands fidget with anything my fingers come in contact with. Some days even words are far too complex for my brittle mind. My tongue toys in the strangest ways with words before finally releasing them from my mouth. It feels as though my body does it just to tease me. Letting me know that IT is in charge now. Not me. Someday I will force it to stand down. To relinquish control. For now...what else is there to do besides wait and enjoy he good days?

Humor in Bat Shit Crazy

Emotional drama is about an angry bitch today. I've never been the type of woman who went looking for gossip or who wanted the latest scoop on the "Oh-Em-Gee!! BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT he-said she-said" bull shit....occasionally, however, drama pimp slaps me clean across the face. Screams, tears, laughs, and numbness all in one day. You could blame it on a thousand and one things today and I would say "yes that's it." Because, yes, that is it! EUREKA!!*  But the problem is "yes!" is the answer to everything. I was angry because of (insert random stupid reasons). I was hysterically crying because of (insert another random stupid cry-baby reason). It all sounds right, it all feels right,....and it all towers above me on days like today. Lashing out at those who love me and are trying their best to help me is not a norm for me. (Although occasionally I think about peeing in their cheerios) It became another one of those "HOLY SHIT! WHO IS THIS MONSTER OF A WOMAN LIVING IN MY SKIN AND WHY CAN'T SHE AT LEAST BRING ME A NICER RACK?!" days. (Ok I totally think this bitch owes me AT LEAST that) I'm not usually THAT quick to pop the ANGRY BOSS macro. (Usually better at misdirect! /cast MD on the dude next door, the mailman  or the freaking dog for all I give a shit anyone to keep my omen meeter from popping!!!)  Not usually so fast to point fingers and blame and play the guilt card. But occasionally I get to go all RAAAAWR KIERA SMASH and then twenty minutes later look around me at the path of destruction I've left behind and the only thought that comes to mind is.. "Ahhh fuck....I MAY have over-reacted slightly....my bad guys!"

As you read through this particular blog it's pretty easy to chuckle....to "omg" or "lol" ...truth be told....I made this one to make myself feel better. I wanted a laugh at my own expense so I wouldn't have to face reality. (Which seems to be my go-to nowadays.) I'm afraid. I'm emotional. I'm anxious. I don't know what I did. What I'm doing. What TO do. What it boils down to is this:
I am only human. And every human has a breaking point.

Still Waters

So many things wash over me on days like this. Like a tidal wave of anxiety that refuses to pass. Once one has subsided another comes crashing down on me. Feelings of inadequacy and helplessness overwhelm me. I know there's a dim light at the end of this tunnel but it seems to be flickering on and off teasing me with the concept that it is, in fact, really there. I want so bad to DO something. There must be someway to be more then I am. Occasionally, I truly believe this. More often then not I say it aloud simply as an attempt to convince myself of it's truth.
Anxiety mostly encircling my children. Having been in an abusive relationship with this man, I have found that over the past year, I have a lot of anger towards him for what he has done to me. a smart-mouthed comment from his three-year old daughter forces him to turn his aggression towards me and begin to point fingers as though I am the culprit. She chases poor little Bumble-cat around the house while he meows in protest and she yells "Bumble! I hate you face Bumble!" Apparently taking that particular phrase to her father was not the wisest of choices. But again, she's a three-year-old child with an attitude. Nothing that ever comes out of her mouth catches me by surprise...(except of course her newest rendition of "If you're Happy and You Know it")  I always have that split moment of guilt where I feel as if I did something wrong, (out of habit of course) followed by sheer rageful hatred and anger. I have to fight downs feelings of aggression and revenge. The overwhelming urges to give back to him what he did to me. I was never a person of retaliation, nor do I want to be. But occasionally his words stab me like a cold blade and the only thing I can do is lie down in a quiet place, do some deep breathing, and remember that no words I can shout at him will ever hurt him the way he did me. Breath in.......breath out.....close my eyes......focus on something beautiful....something calming.....my children....listen to the rain......music.....anything but this.....five years of verbal and physical abuse have manifested into a lifetime of pain and anguish. I will never be the same person I once was. He has seared himself into my mind....his actions,....his words.....I will never forgive....someday I will let go.....but never forgive. I want so bad for now to be the time to move on....but every single time my head begins to hurt,....my eyes begin to twitch....my speech is slurred, my hands fidget,....every time I take my anti-consultants, every time my children say "Mommy's seizing leave her alone" more gasoline is poured on my fire and my hatred burns for him. He is the reason I will never live a normal life. He is the reason my brain is slowly deteriorating. Most days I am perfectly capable of staying calm and collected....the surface is steady and peaceful.........don't step in though.....that under current could hurt.....

Over-powered Positivity

After a minor break-down this morning, I have decided to put this all into a much better perspective. I am determined I want more and better things. I AM going to be okay. I AM going to continue with my life without hesitation. Memory exercises, check-lists, alarms and timers, whatever it takes. Hell, yesterday I found that I have to revert back to infancy to calm myself down! And you know what? I'm DAMN WELL GONNA DO IT!! Something about rubbing my fingers against fabrics makes me feel better. Toted around a blankie for a bit like a toddler until Paul gave me a hanky. Yesterday it felt infantile and stupid. Today I have a new mindset. It helps. I don't care. It's soothing and I will do what it takes to help control seizure activity. Today: Mindful Meditation and wagging around a hanky. Sounds completely ridiculous to anyone reading this....even me. But I am NOT going six to eight months with on-going everyday seizure activity.....I will meditate myself clear to hell if need be. Kids: got this. Money: Got this. Medical issues: Got this. I'm good! And how could anything POSSIBLY bring me down now?? I have the world in my hands waiting for me to take it and nothing could be better. I love my life and everyone in it. I AM stronger because of this. I WILL be self-sufficient. I will prove to everyone and myself that this is possible. That I can be a single mother and a reliable friend. And besides that; if my memory remains the way it is now I can always look on the bright side: every hour is a new adventure!! :)

Wheeeeeeee!!!

"Net Capital Outflow: The link between the two markets. We begin by discussing what we've learned in this chapter so far..."
What have we learned in this chapter so far? That my thoughts are that of a five-year-olds and can not seem to process such large intricate words such as "currency-exchange", "loanable funds" or "nominal exchange rate". The words themselves appear as though they should be simple enough. "Loanable" means able to loan. Funds means money. The two words together SHOULD mean money that is able to be loaned....not in this book. There is no logic to economic definitions and my brain knows this. And today the idea of spouting off repeatable information is beyond my grasp. If I can't understand it, and it wont sink in.....how do I know to repeat it? The test is tomorrow....I've got nothing. I feel like everything I'm try to absorb is simply leaking out my ear. I have that one second light switch that flips on and a split moment of clarity....then it's gone. "What was I thinking?" followed by a loud and obnoxious "DAMNIT!! SHIT!!" (Yes I curse alot I know) No seizure activity today (I don't think) but I feel as though my entire brain has shut down. Where's the on-switch?? Soon (I hope) I will be getting my referral to Stanford for my video EEG and the more I say it to myself the better I feel. "It'll all be over soon.....it'll get better,....the switch will turn back on and it'll all be okay" ....temporary fix for an on-going problem. I'm sitting on an oiled-up teeter-totter and occasionally it rocks in my favor. Other days I slip clean off the other side, and fall in the mud on my ass.....
*gets up*
*brushes off mud*
*jumps back on teeter-totter*
At least it's an interesting ride.......

Gratitude and True Love

Everyday that I log into my blog, I find things to explain, complain, loathe.....today as I sat at my computer browsing facebook I realized something: I may have a LOT of shit going on in my life that drags me down.....but I should absolutely feel blessed. And although I am feeling overwhelmed, worthless, tired and beat down today, I think it's better for me to sit back and appreciate everything I have as opposed to bitching and moaning about what I don't.
    I have more friends then I can count. TRUE friends. Ones who call me JUST to make sure everything is okay. One's who, upon hearing my situations and conflicts become teary eyed and embrace me just to let me know everything will be okay. Friends who do everything in their power to care for me, to make me feel loved and to help me through what is very possibly the most difficult time in my life. Friends who light up and get excited when I walk in the room making me feel so special.
    I have the friends who care for me. The Smarts. They have inconvenienced themselves just to accommodate me and my kids. All four of them make me feel like I can actually be something. They love me for who I am. Although the kids don't always get along with mine, they help in anyway they can. On my bad days Bannie will snuggle up next to me and pet my head and tell me "It's okay Kiera, we love you." I can't help but smile at that one for her nurturing instincts. Casey, on the other hand, has her own way of helping me. By making me laugh. Instead of being the affectionate one, Casey loves to poke fun at me. She knows that by making me laugh at myself; it's not so bad. These kids take care of my kids when need be. And although they do it in very different ways; they take care of me. I wish it could be the other way around...but when my body refuses to cooperate I KNOW I can count on them for help. Although I don't say it nearly enough....I LOVE THOSE GIRLS! I appreciate EVERYTHING they do for me EVERY DAY!! Paul is the one who pushes me. Whether it be yelling at me to get off my ass for my own body's sake, or encouraging me to go back to school or write music for my happiness. He always seems to know what to say and how to say it to motivate me and light the fire under my ass. Ally is....well,.....Ally. LOL She's a little bit of everything. She has sat in waiting rooms for hours on end and told me it was for the best, she's yelled at me, she's encouraged me, .....she's laughed AT me, WITH me.....it's been an interesting ride with these people! I couldn't love them more if they WERE my family.
     I have friends who care about me. Although thousands of miles away, my sweet Shannon still calls and writes me on a regular basis. This woman has been my friend for four years and we have had some interesting times to say the least!! She saw me suffer for two years in a bad relationship, she has seen me struggle with my kids, struggle with the break up and now with this.....and never once given up on me...I love that woman!! Joanie- ten years of friendship came out of me living in Tecumseh, OK for three short months. We clicked so fast and have off and on stayed in contact ever since....I miss her so much but never in a million years dreamed I would've reunited with someone I had known for such a small amount of time. "Sisters" for all intense purposes. :) And now my new friends! At pirate I have Season, Krista, Teresa, Cathi, Richard, and soooooo many others! I LOVE walking in to that place and having to make my way around the room for hugs, and "How are you's" and smiles!! I feel like a star making an appearance on stage! I can't help but be in the best of spirits! And since being introduced to warcraft I have soooo many more people who care about me and manage to make me laugh and smile! Kitty and Hob, Belle! The strangest bunch! It's why I fit in perfectly!!
      I have amazing kids. My children are my everything! And although struggling with ADHD, Kennedy really does just want to help her mommy. She makes her bed now, and cleans her room! She smiles all the time, and never walks by me without a hug and an "I love you Mommy." Chey....well Chey's attitude alone makes me laugh. The new rule is..if mommy cusses Cheyenne slaps me in the mouth. So she will crawl in my lap and smack me then when the words "WHAT IN THE HELL?!" come out of me she gets to smack me again. Gotta admit that kid is too clever for her own good! My girls (all four of them) are what keeps me going. I want to be someone they can be proud of.
       So many people in my life are at bat for me. Never have I EVER had such a large family. And yes I consider EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM MY FAMILY!!

Post-Op Goals

1. To be seizure-free
2. To be independent enough that I can care for my children without fear.
3. Sing
I have spent alot of depressed time thinking about this operation....the "what-if's" are killing me. However positive self-talk and thought process are part of my daily routine now. I WILL come out okay, I WILL be able to function and lead a normal life, I WILL take good care of my children independently. Realistically, however, I may be giving something up to obtain that. I REFUSE to allow this to hinder my musical abilities. I already talked to Paul about this possibility. "I swear to god if I can't sing I don't know what I'll do. Not that I'm GREAT at it but it is my love in life. It's what keeps me from spontaneously combusting. If I can't sing you're teaching me to play an instrument. I don't care what it is but you're teaching me" He laughed, but agreed to my terms. I can't stop. Strength is not one of my best attributes but it will be over this. I can't allow this possibility to become a reality. I will practice every single day, do strengthening exercises, scales, whatever. I want to sing even if I am horrible at it. Tonight is the last night for karaoke. The way I am viewing this is that this may very well be the LAST time I sing in public. I'm not sure how my nerves will handle it but goddamnit I am going to SING. I plan on doing some recordings prior to the surgery just in case. So someday I can listen to it and be proud. I always dreamed of a recording contract. Since I was five years old with ropers and a hairbrush I would see myself on stage with a swarm of people singing along to my songs. As a teenager and now an adult; I know that this will always JUST be a dream. But it wont stop me from enjoying what I love. Music is one of the few things in my life I still have a true passion for. Most things are fads with me. My fire burns strong in the beginning and I'm "go-go-go-go" but quickly dies. This has never been the case with my music. I used to be able to play songs by ear. Pick up the piano, trumpet, clarinet, trombone, oboe, (among many others) and play whatever came to mind.....although I no longer possess this ability....the one thing that has slightly deteriorated but I still have is my voice. Smoking has caused my range to shrink and a slight rasping on those damned high notes, but I can still belt a few when I want to. I may need help...(and alot of work) but come hell or high water I am going to do this and find pride in myself for my accomplishments.

Feelers and Such

It astounds me how people can process the exact same emotion in so many different way. Most people feeling stressed or anxious get a burst of nervous energy, which seems to be quite normal. (Or so I'm told.) Whereas my anxiety gets the best of me, my body gives in and in a rush of panic, I am officially over it and want to sleep. This seems to be my coping mechanism. If I sleep; I don't have to confront the issue that is making me feel so antsy. A whirlwind of thoughts and mindless chatter fill me and suddenly I am fretting over everything that causes me to worry. Everything that will happen, everything that has happened, etc etc....it all sweeps over me and in a ten second period of time I'm suddenly ready for bed. I am suppose to work on "confronting my emotions." This has been an on-going practice for some time now. Or was suppose to be, had I actually been working on it which I have not. To look at myself in the mirror and say aloud: "I am scared." "I am nervous." "I am anxious" "I am angry" "I am depressed" Practicing labeling a specific emotion is something else that causes a basic nervous breakdown. I can't decipher one from another.  It FEELS like I'm anxious when I'm actually depressed. It's the sole cause of one feeling that is the more difficult problem. I am anxious because I have a problem that can not be resolved which makes me depressed due to the inability to fix it. I am angry with myself for feeling inadequate over it. On the feeling's wheel (yes Rachel I am using the fucking thing) it says feelings of inferiority, stupidity, and sleepiness are all found under the depression portion of the wheel.....therefore I am "depressed" by using this tool that I LOATHE WITH EVERY FIBER IN MY BODY I am reluctantly able to identify (not process) the one emotion that ripples into a million others.
Self esteem practice: Look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself, "I look nice today." When you look into the mirror and see a woman looking back at you wearing a tank top, jammie pants, a messy bun and no make-up, it's much easier to say "HOLY CRAP I LOOK LIKE HAGGARD DOG SHIT TODAY." This is not, however, part of building myself up. On days when I do my make-up and hair it's much easier to look in the mirror and see an attractive woman staring back. Most of these days, though, I feel like it's not really me. My eyes stand out, my hair looks nice, my outfit is cute.....who the hell is this girl? I'm not used to being an attention grabber so I feel out of place and awkward when awarded compliments, or second glances or even being flirted with. I feel like the body I have been placed in is getting this attention; not me. I should still weigh 200lbs+ I should still be covered in acne, I should still have short hair, still be just "one of the guys" like I have spent most of my life being. I don't FEEL as though I am attractive. Yes I have days when I dress up and look nice and think "my make-up looks nice" or "my hair looks good" I have a terrible habit of picking out particular attributes to compliment while avoiding the overall package which, again, isn't the me I'm accustomed to.

Unimproving Motherhood

Filling out forms for "who will make your medical decisions IF...." or "what will happen to your kids WHEN....." is the most unnerving process ever. I battle my own thoughts and feelings. I have a full six months or so to work this all out...on the other hand....I only have six months. "Don't worry Sweepea it'll be okay don't stress" versus "don't take this so lightly...you need to be honest with yourself and your family this is a big deal" has left me with a mixture of emotions I can't quite sort out. I sugar coat and joke with everyone so I am not a puddle of depression and fear,....but then have to realistic with everyone which pops my happy little bubble and leaves me in a crater ten feet deep feeling helpless and angry. "It'll be fine, it's a simple procedure,.....in and out in one day..." and "Holy shit it's a major nerve they're going to be playing with" .....I'm not exactly sure about all of it. My loving family has gotten my mind wondering over to those ever-so-lovely "what-if's" .....If something bad were to me....how will my children remember me? Will my three-year-old remember me at all? What kind of memories would come to their mind if someday they were asked "What was your mom like?" Like every other mother on this planet I'm afraid for the example I have set. Kennedy is a frustrating subject. Because of the ADHD I spend half of my time yelling at her and trying to keep her focused on tasks, an the other half crying because all I do is yell.....it's more of a complex situation, but I don't want her memories of her mother to be that "Mom was a very angry woman. She did alot of yelling" I know they KNOW I love them,....but do they KNOW? Since March of this year,...I haven't really been a mom..(as painful as it is to admit, it's true.) On my good days, I am on top of things. I make their snacks and meals, clean up their messes, spend time with them, help with homework, etc....on my bad days....I'm worthless. I repeat phrases like "Give mommy just a minute baby my head hurts" or "Why don't you just go play with your sister?" then frustration...then yelling. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP FIGHTING FOR TWO MINUTES??" "LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE!!" "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU??" "DO THIS!" "STOP THAT!!" ....then guilt sets in and mommy has an emotional break down. The worst part is catching one of them doing something in a room and asking "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" and having them look at me confused and say "Mommy you just told me to put my clothes away. That's what I'm doing"...."I did?" "Yeah mommy"....then more guilt, embarrassment and fear. Memory lapses, pain, exhaustion.....everyday it's something. Very few mothers will admit when they feel inadequate. How can I possibly deny it? I feel as though everyone else is being mommy for me. I have days where I feel horrible simply for the fact that I can't take them out of town for the day. I can't take them for a day trip to the coast, or to the mountains. It all grips me like a vice until my chest hurts and I can't breathe. Makes me wonder how some mom's can leave their kids with everyone, go out every night, get drunk, party blah blah blah when I am WITH my children every day and STILL feel so horrible for not really "being here".....I want me back......

Me who?

The thoughts that flood my mind today are not my own. They are that of a strong, independent, responsible woman....where the hell did SHE come from? Careful sifting through decisions,...planning out the pro's and con's of each one, making phone calls, tormenting myself with the person I should be. She never stays put. This woman comes to me once in a while. She organizes my life and taunts me with the idea of adulthood and a chance at independence then flits away expecting me to pick up where she left off. This time tomorrow I will be sitting in this very chair looking over all of the little projects she began, and feel like a child at mommy's desk not sure what to make of any of it. I feel like I can see myself taking a broken crayon and scribbling all over it. This woman has accomplished so much today. Called the doctor about my medication, done more research on VNS therapy, called west hills college to see about changing my major to something more suiting and less detail oriented, went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, called to arrange appropriate child care for doctor's appointments....and tomorrow I will receive call-backs and wonder..."Why did I call them again? What are they talking about?" I try to maintain focus on other subjects and cope with each individually but my mind keeps wandering back to..."why do you care? You have much more pressing issues to deal with right now...leave this alone." Forces me to seem apathetic, uncaring, or too preoccupied to be half attentive to anything else going on around me.....I call the person I am today "that woman" because I feel as though I'm on auto-pilot and she is performing my duties while dragging me around behind her as if to say "see? this is how it's done...." I am somewhere inside my own mind watching everything but not really quite partaking in the rigorous day-to-day routine. She reads my text book for school. She understands it enough to give a paragraph answer. I don't.....two brains, two bodies, two personalities, how am I only one person? It's a strange sensation to see so much haze....am I dreaming? I would absolutely love to wake now and begin my REAL day. Big problems, small problems, ....it seems very selfish and greedy to say "I'm too worried about my own problems right now to concern myself with yours." But that's how I feel.....scrolling through Facebook this morning and seeing so many bitches and moans.....it all seemed so petty. What makes my complaints more valid then theirs?  Why do I feel the right so say "fuck you" when I haven't walked a day in their shoes? To them- their issues are real. Justified. Dire. To me; they are petty and pointless. I am cold-hearted and selfish today. Best to not push the issue further.....until next time....

Welcome to the future: VNS decisions

Today was, for lack of better phrasing, and "interesting" day. The neurologist has exhausted nearly all her resources on me. What medications I'm not allergic to prevent me from properly functioning on a day-to-day basis. She may have one or two more attempts, she says, but the limited amount of medications used to treat seizures have failed. "Your seizures seem to be less severe, but still frequent, and still continuing to deteriorate your brain." Always a wonderful conversation topic. A new alternative was offered to me today. I have a few months to toy with this "innovative idea" (which is about thirteen years old now) and between now and then she will continue to tweak my medications to see if we can't find some oral treatment that will stop the seizures altogether.

VNS- Vagus Nerve Stimulation. A small electrode would be surgically attached to my vagus nerve in my neck. A wire would then run down my neck to a small pocket-watch sized generator implanted just above my left breast. I would wear a wrist-watch type magnet around my wrist or attached to my belt. The magnet would serve two purposes. One being that it would be swept across the generator acting as an on/off switch. Two is that it would be swept across the electrode itself to send an electric charge across the vagus nerve cutting off the seizure altogether, or at least making the seizure less severe.

On the "pro" side of this decision is that I might actually lead a normal life. The VNS would allow me to go out to functions and not have to leave early or go into hiding due to seizure activity. I would be able to hold a job and not be on a cocktail of daily medication. It also combats depression which we all know I could use.

The "con" side is.....well they are going to be attaching this electrode to a vital nerve. If something goes wrong....it could possibly go really really wrong. Most of the side effects from it include: infection, loss of vocal control, itching or tingling in the throat, cough, and sore throat. Is it bad that my biggest concern is loss of vocal control? I am a singer. Not professionally (obviously) but it's what I do to express myself and find enjoyment in my life. If I lose my ability to sing I will be crushed. I am so conflicted on this. Realistically; it's more then likely GOING to happen. I'm scared of the outcome, but days like yesterday when I walk around exhausted and in a medication haze, I can't wait to have it done. I need more information, and to have my questions answered. A representative will come to my house and talk to me about the product. I have already practiced my introduction to him.
"Hello, before you begin telling me all about this device and procedure know this; I most likely WILL be having this implanted. So for the time that you are here, you are NOT an advocate. You will NOT talk to me like you are selling a product. I am NOT buying a vacuum cleaner; this is my LIFE we will be discussing. I want facts, realistic numbers and percentages NOT 'round about' almost truths. I have questions you will answer for me and if I am not satisfied with the 'presentation' given, I will be contacting your supervisor and another representative will be sent out who can give me REAL information......shall we begin?"
May sound bitchy but it must be done....when you sit for an hour and listen to WHY VNS is the best solution for you, they tend to sugar coat necessary information that may be vital information. I will do what I must, but I will NOT be lead in blindly.....

RAWR KIERA SMASH ...Fact or Fiction?

Had I been born in an era when women bore pain and anguish in silence,...I would have fixed my husband the most extravagant meal he's ever seen, then securely fastened a rope above the kitchen table, taken off all my clothes, and hung myself. (Don't ask why I'd be naked, I don't know.)  For the most part, I posses the ability to quietly absorb my emotions. Every once in a while, however, I explode in a whirlwind of fuck you's and misplaced, over-exaggerated rage and frustration. That's my favorite word in the english language. "Frustrate" or any form of this word. it explains so much for me. "Kiera, what's wrong?" "Mmm....just frustrated..." or "Kiera are you okay?" "Uh-huh,...little frustration, I'll be okay." Followed by a fake smile. Accused of "vagueing it up" I have begun to analyze what this word means to me. For me to be "frustrated" generally means that there are too many emotions encircling my over-all self, and I cannot proclaim myself simply "angry" or "sad" or "anxious" so I title myself "frustrated"....it really is the most befitting word for me. Anger seems to fall into the "frustrated" category more often then not. It's like trying to extract my own tooth to admit that I am having feelings of anger or rage. Although I am often overwhelmed by this emotion, it's far too complex to label or admit. In my past relationship; I was abused. Yes I am openly admitting I allowed a man to dominate me; enjoy while you can. In that relationship; feelings of anger towards me often signaled that he had done something wrong. He had to accuse me of something stupid or become angry with me in order to cope with his own wrong-doings. It seems to now that feelings of anger represent an admission of guilt. There is an entire conversation that occurs within my mind during rage. "Don't admit you're angry; it means you've done something wrong to angry about....but you ARE angry....DID you do something wrong? What did you do? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY ARE YOU ANGRY? YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING!" Which usually ends with me sobbing and more angry than before because I KNOW I must've done SOMETHING to cause me to be so mad, but can't figure it out. Hence; the frustration. I get hurt because often I feel like everyone around me is allowed to be angry at one another simply because the other person has done something wrong. How can they be angry and JUST be angry? Why can't I JUST be angry? I am jealous of them when realistically I am the only one stopping myself from being able to JUST say "I am pissed off at  (insert name) because of (insert reason)" .......How is THAT for twisted mentality?

Thought Hopping- The next "big thing"

Today everything is moving frame by frame. Like my brain isn't coinciding with my eyes. I see the image, then after a dramatic three second pause, my brain identifies it. My body still wants me to be active. To get up, clean, organize and so on. My mind refuses to cooperate. "Back to bed." It tells me....sleep off the exhaustion that parallel on-going thoughts create. To the untrained eye, none of my thoughts are related. Just a stream of random what-the-fucks linked to each other by nothing more then the racing of a mentally unstable woman's rationality. Somehow, though, the vast wasteland that has become my mind have connected the dots and reasoned with my logic until they all become one run-on sentence. Everything interacts with everything. Rational decision making and critical logistics are far beyond my capabilities today. Conversations and the unbalanced teetering on the edge of depression have surged me with a long line of "what-if's" I never wanted to consider. Or never did. There is nothing in this world I hate more then second guessing myself. I lack the confidence now to be so sure of myself to never consider alternate possibilities. I was told by several sources that frontal lobe seizures impact one's decision making skills. Ever since then; I make my choice and the first thought that festers is "Was that right? Fuck!! That wasn't right! Or was it?" I say "festers" because this is what it feels like to me. Like a large puss-filled blister that's about to burst and infect my entire being. Never again will I have the confidence and assurance to create a feasible and probable outcome without wondering "what-if"....the specifications of this side effect don't necessarily impact me with such force that I can't decide on chicken or pork for dinner, but it doesn't stop the manifestation of irrational self image. "I HAVE seizures." Not I AM epileptic. But how do you articulate other phrases in such a way...."I HAVE retardation..." See? Doesn't QUITE have the same impact or sensibility. You see now how smoothly I can link one thought to another? This is what my mind does. I couldn't tell you how this post began without reading through it now because I have wandered too far off course.....anyhow....I am going to chose now to have another cup of coffee and lay down....thank you, that is all. 

The Hyperefficiency of Mania

In a short period of merely forty minutes I was able to clean the kitchen, clean and vacuum the living room, fold and put away two loads of laundry, start another load of laundry, make the bed and collect all the dirty laundry to put in the room for later sorting. Mania must be by far, my favorite feeling. A wonderful weekend of fun, flirting, laughing, dancing and joy followed by day one of, the more favorable, "Super Kiera!!" She can do everything!! Lacking organization? No problem!! Super Kiera to the rescue!! It often times makes me sad, however, to see this woman appear. I take advantage of her presence; but know it will be short lived. Her absence is always noticed and everyone around me misses her once she's gone. My thoughts at these times seemed to be "cleaned up" (for lack of better phrasing) Every thought I have is nicely folded and contained in a neat little file cabinet. I am able to pull one out at a time for review. Unfortunately for me, angry Kiera, Anxious Kiera, and Depressed Kiera rarely complete their thoughts so I'm left now with partial ideas and memories that I can't make heads nor tails of. No problem,....SUPER KIERA can handle this!! Today I am anticipating my doctor's appointment next week. A discussion with a friend has me eagerly awaiting the news from the neurologist. Will I continue on the Business Degree path? Or will I start a new path to a degree in Liberal Arts? Oh the excitement of the prospect of new possibilities. I want something changed drastically!! Usually when I get in these moods I end up chopping my hair off or dying some insane new color, rearranging my furniture, going on a shopping binge for a whole new wardrobe...but since none of these things are within my scope of reasonable abilities,.....I am forced to focus all of my attention and positive thinking towards my ultimate career path in life. So the operative question becomes, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" The answer? ...God only knows! What knowledge do I really posses? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What am I good at? What do I love? So many things placed at my feet now with the realization that I CAN do anything!! The little voice inside my head cries out "DOOOOOIIIIIIT" While the logical side of me (which rarely appears) tells me to do my research, think it through....and wait for the answer to come to me......so I sit here impatiently tapping my foot and waiting....*tap tap tap*

My Reluctantly Un-Normal Brain

It's absolutely amazing to me, the things a human can endure both physically and mentally. Just when you think you've hit your breaking point, something else gets thrown in your face and all of a sudden you're stronger then ever. The brain is quite possibly the most delicate part of the human body. Which is why it's cushioned by fluid and protected by the skull. The slightest little pin prick in the wrong section could cause a full-fledged turn around and a healthier you,....or your entire body to shut down. When a person breaks a bone, the entire body works to recover the fractured area back to full health, even if it's broken off in separate sections. The brain simply chooses to continue deteriorating. Some days are good. I feel like a fully functioning, well rounded adult. And some days I feel as though I have either slipped my way back to a toddler or been thrusted forward and forced into early senility far too soon. Phrases like "I just set my coffee down where the hell did it go?" or "You just told me to do something,...what was it?" or "what did I come into this room for again?" are becoming far too familiar to me. I want nothing more then to find comfort in my own thoughts and can't because these are not my own. And even if they are; I lose them all too quickly. I hate the fact that I am allowed to use this as an excuse even though it feels like mental retardation. (Yes, it's politically correct- look it up) And how much worse can it get before I'm drooling on myself and calling everyone "Mack"? I fear for myself, I fear for my children, I fear that I'm over complicating the situation and it doesn't have to be quite so climactic or dire. I tend to have this whole "oh-my-god-it's-the-end-of-the-world-my-life-is-over" outlook some days, and others it's the "I-can-overcome-anything-just-watch-me-fuckers" take on myself. There's days where I feel as though college is the best thing that's ever happened to me and others when I feel like I am wasting time and money destined to never remember any of the education I'm obtaining. The worst part is failing to articulate. My mind tells me the sentence I want to say but my tongue wont release it from my mouth. What should have been "Can you please pass my the salt?" becomes "Can you ple..ple...ple...ple" and ends with a growling noise due to frustration. And Ally interrupts with an "I got it...here." Someday I will get smart and hang a dry-erase board around my neck like a mute and write everything I want to say. Yes, today is a somewhat depressive day. I lack the ability to think of everything I have; happy healthy children, friends who love me for who I am, people who want to take care of me and help me adjust, the ability to say "I need" and have family or friends help me obtain it,....and inwardly and selfishly focus on the things I don't have; a driver's license, the ability to give my kids everything under the sun, the ability to enjoy a beer or glass of wine once in a while, the ability to go ONE DAY without some sort of medication, clothes that fit, glasses that work, dental coverage that doesn't say "you need a filling? Let's just pull that tooth", a job, a functioning memory, a functioning BRAIN!!! No, I am entirely selfish and far too concerned with my own problems today to worry about all the other problems I don't have. Thank god I don't have cancer, TB, hepatitis, HIV/AIDS, tumors, liver failure, diabetes......no instead today it's WHY OH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE EPILEPTIC?? Simply re-reading this entire entry I realize my mind hops quickly from one subject to another. I have edited this three times so it at least has the appearance of being a smooth transition but it still must be quite obvious to readers. So I will end this now before my head explodes and leaves brain matter splattered to the monitor. Off to take yet another medication and hope for a better day.

The elicit truth; My Brain

I've done a little research here and there and apparently depression and seizures go hand in hand. Go figure. And today I feel like a bumbling idiot. Last night I had  (what my friend refered to as) a focal seizure. Upon reading information about frontal lobe seizures I found something interesting. Apparently my outbursts of hysterical laughing fits is part of frontal lobe epilepsy. I think of it as a form of turrets. Instead screaming vulgaraties at everyone around I simply laugh for no reason and can't seem to stop. My speech is slurred, my eyes can't focus and my vocabulary is stunted. I spoke with my friend ally last night a little bit about this and she explained to me that the frontal lobe is what controls reasoning, and decision making (which makes me REALLY wonder how long this has been happening and how much of my life I can blame on it)
This is the article I came up with:

"The frontal lobes, which are also called the cerebral cortex, are the seat of emotions and judgments related to sympathy, which is the ability to feel sorrow for someone else's suffering, and empathy, which the ability to understand another's feelings and problems. They are also the seat of understanding humor, including subtle witticisms and word plays. The frontal lobes also recognizes sarcasm and irony. And they are where recognition of deception occurs. The frontal lobes control the processes called "mentalizing" upon which our socialization is based; this is the ability to understand another's mental processes."

Over the last few months I have been told several times by several people that I appear "apathetic" to everything and everyone around me...don't mistake this as me making excuses for myself.....but I believe that maybe the inability to show empathy and remorse stems from the nerve damage in my brain. I can FEEL these things...or think I feel these things,....but my actions speak otherwise. My goal for this week;
to learn to verbally express appreciation and empathy. Instead of thinking I am feeling this way and assuming everyone knows I do....I'm going to work on verbalizing it.
The following is more information I found on frontal lobe problems if anyone is interesting in better understanding my brain; not sure I even want to...

 Cognitive symptoms

• Short attention span
• Poor working memory
• Poor short term memory
• Difficulty in planning and reasoning
• Environmental dependence syndrome

Emotional symptoms

• Difficulty in inhibiting emotions, anger, excitement, sadness etc...
• Depression, possibly due to above.
• Occasionally, difficulty in understanding others' points of view, leading to anger and frustration

Behavioural symptoms

• Utilization behaviour
• Perseveration behaviour
• Inappropriate aggression
• Inappropriate sexual behaviour
• Inappropriate humour and telling of pointless and boring stories (Witzelsucht)

Symptoms of Frontal Lobe Seizures

By Mayo Clinic staff
Frontal lobe seizures usually last less than 30 seconds and often occur during sleep. Signs and symptoms of frontal lobe seizures may include:

• Head and eye movement to one side
• Complete or partial unresponsiveness, or difficulty speaking
• Explosive screams or laughter
• Abnormal body posturing, such as one arm extending while the other flexes, as if the person is posing like a fencer
• Repetitive movements, such as rocking or bicycle pedaling

Now not ALL of these things apply to me because I don't believe my ENTIRE frontal lobe is effected...however many of these symptoms are currently displayed on at least a weekly basis. Which also makes me wonder if I really HAVE bipolar or if this is just typical signs and symptoms of neurological frontal lobe misfirings.

The 4 Sides of me

It's not unusual for someone to think of themselves as their mental illness. More often then not you hear someone say phrases like "I am bipolar" or "I am depressed" or "I am schizophrenic" (just an example) but it's much harder to recognize that you are a person "with" these disorders. Inevitably my goal will be to unconsciously say "I am Kiera and I HAVE...." without having to stop and rehearse my sentence before spitting in out. This is suppose to be a step in the right direction for me because as long as I define myself AS my problem I am submerging who I really am further below the surface. A friend of mine recently said "Labels only hurt those who allow themselves to be labeled" of course at the time she was referring to my daughter whom I'm now convinced has ADHD. But because I don't want her individuality and personality traits be defined AS her problem....it will be a natural reaction of mine to say "This is my daughter, she HAS ADHD" whereas some may be prompted to use the phrase "I AM ADHD." I will teach her better from the get-go. There are many out there.....epileptic, diabetic, nymphomaniac, (yeah I threw that one in for my own amusement.) etc....it's far to easy to label yourself an "epileptic" first rather then "I have epilepsy" This is my long term goal now. To be able to characterize myself by my personality traits instead of by my physical or mental handicaps.

Anxiety- Anxiety is a term used to describe the frustration and worry one might feel usually related to stress. Anxiety means depression, depression means agitation and agitation means rage, and rage usually cycles back again to agitation. Well,....with a person with bipolar anyway. I've been diagnosed with this since I was ten and never fully understood. When the word "cycle" was used I thought of a washing machine. (True story) Rinse cycle. Stop. Wash cycle. Stop. Spin cycle. Stop. Recently I have discovered this is not the case. I've always had these emotions just never been quite so quick to suppress them until now. (Thank you Vimpat) I was the queen of misdirect.
"What's wrong Kiera?"
"Nothing...."
"You sure?"
"Hmmm? Yeah just stressed about school"
When realistically what I wanted to do was reach over the counter and rip my mother's head for no apparent reason at that moment other then she was breathing. Anyhoo....back to the cycles.....with something like this I never realized quite how much the emotions run into each other. Or how one emotion will lead to another. Most "normal" people can feel an emotion as simple as anger or sadness and have it be just that....anger and sadness.....then they get over it and go along their life just fine. My emotions tend to bleed together. Anger....anger leads to severe rage...rage to the point of shaking.....then because of the adrenaline pumping,...by the time my mind parts the clouds just a little bit, anxiety sets in. I become nervous, agitated, and worrisome over what the consequences of my actions might add up to.....then depression over the possible outcome and physical exhaustion from anger and anxiety. At this point I begin to think (irrationally) about being cast out by my friends and loved ones because of my actions....I begin to feel isolated (by my own doing) and get even more depressed over something that I BELIEVE MAY be happening....not over what has actually happened. Then people who are close to me point out that fact that I'm depressed over nothing....I have a wonderful life and beautiful children and don't "want" for anything which makes me angry at myself for feeling miserable and hating my life which leads back to...you guessed it....anger/irritability. Now my thoughts may seem rather pathetic to some.....and flat out pointless to others. All I can say is: You can change the thoughts in your head,....but you can't change the way you think them. All in all.....I'm damaged. <------(depression talking) I'm strong <-------(manic talking) I'm FUCKIN FINE <--------(Anger Talking) I'm scared <------(Anxiety talking)....and everything in between. There are several of me.....some of which only certain people have ever had the "privilege" of meeting. For those of you who haven't; congrats. For those of you who have; I'm so so sorry.    

Drugs and Lack Thereof

If I had ever tried meth,....I would have surely been addicted. I find myself constantly searching for ways to make myself "feel" better. It doesn't matter if it's up or down....a stimulant or a relaxant. I have realized a pattern in myself with my seizure medications. The minute I start feeling one way or the other (usually exhausted and worn) I have the overwhelming urge to stop taking it. When I get too low....I want something to bring me up....when I get too high I want something to bring me back down. I am searching for the illusive "happy medium" I will surely never find. Now is the feeling of apathy caused by the Kepra interrupted occasionally by severe attacks of anxiety, irritability and sheer rage from the Vimpat. I'm easily manipulated into these emotions. If someone looks at me wrong,...I am instantly angry,....if everyone around me is stressed about kids, finances, cleanliness I instantaneously become depressed. If I had some sort of amphetamine in my hand at this moment,....I have no doubt I would consume it in a heartbeat. Which is why, I suppose, I prefer to avoid all drugs (illegal and legal) altogether. To avoid the inevitable catastrophe of my would-be life. There are only two reasons I have made it this far without it; their names are Kennedy and Cheyenne. That's all the motivation I need. Although with the Kepra moments creeping up on me like a snake it becomes increasingly difficult to do. The strangest idea to me is that I have never done any sort of drugs (other then marijuana occasionally as a teenager- who hasn't?) and yet I talk like a junkie in withdraws. How is it that I have such an addictive personality and despise everything I want to be addicted TO?  Depression is far too easily obtained now because of the medication I loathe. But apparently my brain and the cells that remain there are now chemically dependent on these medications to continue to thrive. If I'm too depressed....I now turn to anything natural I can find to bring me up. Vitamins. Anything beneficial to a lack of energy I will have. When I am too anxious or nervous or mad....I want the melatonin hiding in the back of the medicine cabinet to bring me down....although due to the obsessive fear of being brought too far down I refuse to take it altogether. Theoretically I shouldn't be able to function on my own thoughts and feelings alone. I'm too dependent on outside forces to enable these "feel-good" emotions. Who isn't nowadays? There is a medication for everything, and everything is a disease. That is my rant for today....now I must unwillingly use my own self-motivation to get off my ass and do something productive.
*For the record- I do not nor have I ever used illegal drugs....except marijuana which is at the moment debatably illegal...and it was about ten years ago....so NO I'm not a "pot head" "crack head" or suffer from "meth mouth" or whatever. Everyone has these feelings I believe...some give into it....some fight it......me? Depends on the day....the only drugs I'm truly "dependent" on is nicotine and caffeine and last time I checked coffee and cigarettes are legal. (Expensive...but legal) 

Not so "Einstein-esque"

Okay, so I'm not developing some radical hypothesis. You got me. But I feel like keeping some of my intimate thoughts open and public might help me not feel so "trapped" or burdened by own own emotion. I am not going to write out some literary abortion on who I am and what I stand for as my first blog. I AM however going to touch over a few parts of my life that you will probably read more then you care to about.
1. Seizures
2. A mentally uncertain child
3. Bipolar Disorder 
4. Domestic Abuse
5. Bisexuality
 6. Spiritual Disconnection


I'm at a position in my life right now where I feel like being open and honest about these things will make it less dominating over my life entirely. I have yet to do my "homework" on some of these things to truly understand them. As I begin my research and start to educate myself on all of this,....you too, will be informed. Understanding is half the battle. So now that you know all of this, I will leave you with the whole "About me" crock that no one really cares to read;

       My name is Kiera. I am a 23 year old mother of two. Kennedy and Cheyenne. I am unemployed, and currently disabled as deemed by the great state of California. I am from a small town in the San Joaquin Valley. I am currently attending college for Hotel and Restaurant management. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent woman who is easily distracted "OH LOOK A CHICKEN!!" ......If you aren't already interested in this blog; stop reading. Otherwise,.....feel free to keep up with me....I know I can't!